Freedom in Detachment

The title may seem a bit odd, since 'detachment' as a word may stir up feelings of a negative connotation. Yet, it is a word that I have learned to use over a period of time in my life as an encouraging reminder to self. There used to be a saying at my old job that was taught in classes about being 'detached from the outcome'. It is a very valuable statement that I have shared with many friends and try to remember to apply to my own life. We live in a world where people hold tightly to the things they have and live as hoarders. We are afraid that if we loosen our grips this things may be taken from us. We are people who love possessing and possessions. Even the most conscious minded of us seek to hold on and possess, even if it is our selves. Yet, are we really in control of even that? We ebb and flow and change each and every day. We are often surprised by the feelings that surface, come and go and the ones that stay attached to us even when we don't want them. Our desires and wants change and evolution has found a place in our lives even though we may not be prepared. This is all out of our control. All we can do is figure out how to change with it and embrace it.

One of the most challenging times to find detachment or a letting go is in romantic relationships. The principle can be applied to any relationship you want, but we seem to be baffled and obsessed with relationships with partners. It sometimes comes upon us like a tornado and sweeps us up dropping us places we don't know. It doesn't matter if the relationship is slow building or fast, we are never prepared for what it might present. Navigating human relationships is some of the most challenging and hardest work we'll ever have. It's taking time to realize not only do we have to be accountable for understanding the many intricacies of our own lives, we now are faced with how to walk the maze of another's life when the maze seems to always change just when we think we have made it out the other side. There is no other side. The twists and turns are constant. We all love a good challenge, but what about when we feel like enough is enough; we just want it to be easy. Easy is relative. If you admire a friend's relationship and it seems like its effortless, just know that work has been had to get to that place and there will be more times as such. We live almost in segments in time. It's like a film. When we watch a movie, we see it in its entirety, but what we don't see is that it is a series of edited scenes  mended together. If you were to take those scenes, each are very different and tell a different story evoking different emotions and meanings. Unlike edited scenes, our lives cannot be edited. The moment in time that we act out our experiences, they are imprinted and then gone. So what we do in those moments are important. How present we are is even more invaluable. This leads into why detachment in our relationships with partners is a lesson we have to learn in our lives. It is a lesson I am coming to learn more and more. It has been and still is very challenging. It takes practice.  Some lessons in our lives are repeated and that is because they are meant to be on a loop until we get it and then we stop the incessant rotation of the same scene in that film and move on to the next. I have seen the same scene over and over and now there has been some clarity. There has been an 'ah ha' moment. We get many of those 'ah ha' moments in our lives and yet, we let them pass by as insignificant, but they are moments that we should take time to really process and look at. Those moments come in our relationships. 

So back to the topic at hand. Detachment. When we enter into a relationship with someone, one of the first feelings that surface almost unconsciously is possession. This person now belongs to ME.  Belongs to me to fix me, love me, heal me, praise me, change me, stay with me. Now you may read that and think " no way, that does not sound right. I don't think like that". Ummm... yes you DO. If at any time you feel a sense of unease and jealousy. If insecurity stirs up in you because of something your partner said or did and you take it personal. If you become angry,  out of sorts or discontented with your partner. It comes from possession. You feel you posses that person and he/she posses you. Why? For the fact that he/she has made such  a significant impact on your emotions and mental well being tells you that. It's as if we feel out of control. As I have stated we are often people by nature that hold on to what we have very tightly. We don't have to live a dysfunctional life or have a some sorted colorful story to have a fear of abandonment. We often feel abandoned in many areas of our lives.There are careers, goals, relationships, family, friends etc. that have all 'failed' us in some way and abandoned us. In relationships, we are looking for that validation that we are someone that will not be left, worthy to be loved and deserve a promise of forever in blissful happiness. I mean that is what we see in movies and want to believe right? Abandoned, unabashed love and connection. We ALL want to be loved like that. You might think I am about to bring a storm cloud and say, THAT DON'T EXIST. No. It does. But when does it exist? It exists the moment we let go and detach from feeling that we are in control of the other person. It happens when we let go of our emotions and actions being controlled by what they do and say.  It happens when we stop thinking they are responsible for us and who we are or owe us something. It happens when we stop asking for permission from the other person. It happens when we stop thinking we deserve something from them. It happens when we let go of the past and the future of a 'forever' and live in the present. It happens when we let go enough to create a freedom in the relationship. It's not the old saying 'if you set them free he/she will come back to you' (or you get the point). No he/she may not. In knowing that, is where the the freedom is. It's being detached from the outcome. 

Detachment is a hard lesson to learn and put into practice. We as people don't like to be uncertain about any areas of our lives. We especially don't like uncertainty in matters of the heart. Yet, life is uncertainty. There is no promise of tomorrow, there is only today and that is what you can be certain about. The only person you are in control of walking this earth with everyday is YOU and even in that, we don't know what is in store for us. I have come to a hard lesson of learning to let go of being in control in my relationships. I am still learning it. Detachment in a relationship does not mean being disconnected and without feeling. It is not being without heart. It is not withholding or conditional giving to another. It is not protecting oneself from disappointments or hurt. It is not being absent or present so that you don't hurt in the absence of another should he/she leave. It is surrendering, letting go and loosening the hold around the person enough to respect and love them in their space and trusting that your relationship will be honored in the present. In the PRESENT. Present means you can not hold someone to make up for their past  (whether with or without you) nor promise the future.Again, we are ever changing as individuals and we never know if those changes will or will not include one another on this journey. Yet, if we are so blessed, we will walk on that road together for as long as it will allow till in whatever part of life the paths shall part. We always have to acknowledge that we are individuals that have to realize and be responsible for OUR OWN truths, wants, desires and happiness first and foremost, before another.  We have to push ourselves to loosen our hands from the delicacies of our partners necks and allow them to breathe. In detachment, though it feels scary and uncertain, it presents us with a beautiful revelation. Freedom. All the sudden there is a an epiphany that happens, a weight off our chests. We become present with our breathe and perspective changes. We stop missing those beautiful moments with our partners to look  for the next. We stop being ungrateful, impatient and judgmental. We stop expecting and start connecting. We start giving unconditionally when conditions have conditioned us to do so. We are content no matter what. We watch something special happen. The moment we let go and detach from the outcome, not only do our partners feel free to be present with you, but YOU will feel present with FREEDOM. 

with Soul, 

Artistic Soul