We are the Hidden Figures- Black People Magic on Display

Tonight I went on a date with my wife to see HIDDEN FIGURES. An inspirational true story of 3 black women who made some of the most historical impacts on the NASA program in the 60's. I was excited to see this movie. Proud to see this movie tell this story. I walked into the theater of a mostly all white audience and noticed as I sat there, I was aware of something. I felt strangely odd. I mean it was great we were all there to not only be entertained, but educated. But I felt more. I am always aware of my blackness, but I felt a bit more acutely aware. I felt there was the elephant in the room that  blackness was on display through white gaze on big screen. I thought to myself hmm, how will they react to the racism in the film? what are they thinking when they hear the word "negro".  Do I respond  out loud to parts that I want to "Uh huh and ummm yup, that's right " to? Do I have the right without sounding antagonizing. I felt silenced. I whispered to my wife on parts and silently cried, laughed where I felt safe and tensed silently where I felt myself angered. How were the other blacks  in the movie feeling? Why the HELL AM I EVEN HAVING TO HAVE THIS DIALOGUE WITH MYSELF OVER A MOVIE!?

I even felt a odd desire and wish to be alone with this movie, to be protective. To not be distracted and to be present , when it is so hard to do these days. Strange I never feel this way when I go sit in a theater to watch an mostly all white cast movie. As a matter of fact,  I never think anything of the fact  that it has become the norm. There's nothing uncomfortable. THEY are rarely uncomfortable. This was another movie of another "First black..." another history lesson on black people magic that has always been and still is, but we get approximately 2 hours and some change to let you know. Let you know that what we live everyday is not in fact a script on screen even to this day. And yet, the movie ends and life goes on while the credits roll. While the credits roll...the story of our lives. The white gaze comes and goes as it pleases, never asking permission and we never gain relief for we are always the subject. These days.. I notice more. I notice my feelings are on the surface and my hyper awareness bubbling to the top.

In this current political climate, you can't help but feel a sense of paranoia as a person of color. These are not isolated self interrogations. It can become incessant. Walking into the grocery store, the restaurant,  the club,the yoga class, the bar, the .. well you name it. It's as if you feel the room stops in slow motion and turns to look at you.. yet in reality everyone is keeping their same pace. Should that alarm me? that they are keeping their same pace. White gaze are you faking that you know? You really know what is going on right?  How can it feel normal and abnormal all at the same time. It is this unspoken thing that we are entering a shit storm for this presidency and EVERYONE watched the devil take the stand. Everyone knows that the devil is building his army and you  person of color are in the war path. Everyone knows that you are on the endangered species list. Everyone knows that indeed this is BLACK AND WHITE, because everything in the middle is collateral damage as well. White gaze you know. I know you know.

There are so many non verbal conversations happening without my knowledge. Spaces are feeling claustrophobic these days. My mind thinks on its own without consulting me. My mind sees for itself that we are sleepwalking with eyes wide open and coming into consciousness. Awakening. I am awake. I must traverse these feelings I have back and forth, to and fro till it is normal for me. I will NEVER walk into a movie theater and not be aware that I am not a Hidden Figure. I will always be black people magic trapped in a 2 hour movie script. This is not a dismal reality. This is real. There's nothing wrong with admitting that. We as people of  color will process through these feelings alot these next coming days. More than ever. Let's talk about this. We must.

with soul,
Angie