What's Eating You?

So how you feeling about your relationship? Is it healthy? Is it giving you what you need? Does it take up too much of your time? Is there not enough happening in it? Does it make you feel good about yourself and really compliment your life? Do you see a positive present and future in it? Oh??! you thought I was talking about your love life? Oh no.. I wasn't talking about that whatsoever. Good luck on that.. ahem. Let's move on. I was talking about your relationship with food. It's a long hard stressful relationship of ups and downs I have been having with food for some time. It's a relationship I can't seem to breakup with of course, but it's needing some work. Never has it been abusive to me, but we've been going out for so long that it's time to reshape and renew a healthiness back into it. Put a new life into it. I feel like it's worth that effort to work on this relationship because it's played such an important role in my life. So let's chat about this. I want to share with you some about my relationship, how I feel and what I think perhaps we could gain from this chat we are going to be having. Hopefully, we'll walk away with a new perspective without paying out anyone for some shrink time on a sticky leather couch, uncomfortably adjusting your clothing to cover your embarrassing "love affair".

Call it genetics, call it society or call it what you want, but we in America are obsessed with our appearances. Social media and the like has made it incredibly difficult to know what to do with our body images. The topic becomes more impacted when you add the 100 pound baggage we carry around with our personal lives and the many issues we are aware of and not aware of that weigh us down. Self esteem hides behind body image and body image becomes a mask in which all things dark about ourselves hide. Then try living in cities where you are inundated with body messages telling you how to have a relationship with your body and food. Or everyone now has advice upon advice on social media about how you can lose weight.  Can you believe it? Someone has the nerve to dictate how you run your relationship? The worse thing about that? you listen. You listen to almost everyone. You think you don't but let's keep it real. You listen. IF you didn't then why are you thinking about it right now and why are you eating a small salad when you want a burger or drinking diet coke instead of coke?  That's what I thought. Some people don't care. Not always a good thing, but I also give kudos for the personal mental freedom to not be bound to opinion.  But where are the plethora of articles giving advice about how to re frame your mind about eating in relation to personal body image? It's all quick fixes and trust me I like a quick fix like the next person, but it doesn't always work for everyone.  I mean there really is  a direct everyday correlation that happens and a process that happens in your decision making on how you will eat and what you will eat. We see food being paraded in front of us everyday on a billboard, a restaurant, commercials on TV that are directed at our senses. The main ones are sight and smell. But sight is the most powerful because it moves us to think. Thinking... yes. It all is very much psychological. What you think about is what you become, so why is it any different in food?

So let's talk about my struggle. Well everything I am talking about is my struggle! I have always struggled with thinking about my weight and appearance. Thinking about what I "should" look like. Funny thing is the "should" question or thought should sound familiar. We think about this when asking, "what should I be doing with my life," who should I have as a partner", "where should I be in my life right now." and so the list can go. All things are interconnected. Food is no different. the perspective and attitude we take with food, is the same for any part of our lives and they deeply affect one another. I have been the incessant googler and bothersome friend asking another what to do about shaping up and eating healthy. So let's keep it real right now. I am tired. I am sick of food. If I could get rid of it I would. I am exhausted thinking everyday about what to eat and it be "healthy". Especially when there is not as much easy access to it as the McDonalds, Jack in the Box and Albertos, Gilbertos, Juanbertos,  you just passed within the last 4 blocks. Not that I want to eat all that .  But you get my point. What is the problem? Well there are many. Let me first start by saying, something I am learning is that the first approach to gaining a healthy relationship back and shaping up is not because you want to look good, but feel good as in being healthy. Like a relationship, losing weight is a band aid. You fight and make up, but only apologize on the surface, you still blame the person, but never work on the core reasons why you are disagreeing in the first place! so it comes back and maybe the same issue or in the form of another. So  just aesthetically taking care of your body isn't enough. What happened to the psychological affects and reasons behind WHY you are trying lose weight? where has that gone? They are there.

So back to my issues, sorry I was sharing with you wasn't I? I won't keep talking I promise. But  my main struggle has been trying to be healthy while of course looking better. I mean come on I am a real person. Why would I not want both? Again first should be feeling better by being healthier and the in return we'll look better. It's a win win situation.  The healthy part is by far the hardest part of all. What is the definition of healthy according to who?  It is hard when you are sorting through opinions and trying to figure out what is best for you. Let's get this straight. One size does NOT fit all when it comes to healthy eating and weight loss.  One has to take into account personal health, genetics, culture, economics and geography to name a few. There within lies the issue for me and I think for a lot of people. All those factors. Yet, again we are being beat over the head with advice. It's like informational mayhem, making us schizo! I am up and I am down. I am happy then depressed waiting for an outcome. I am becoming exhausted with something that is the very necessity of life and really should be a beautiful thing.

Let me start to bring this to a close, I don't want to lose you and I don't think there needs to be a part two to this conversation. As there so much more that can be talked about I haven't discussed with you, but I won't so just hold on. I don't want to end on a tirade about my relationship. I think it's important to look at the beautiful things I am learning about my relationship. I am the ONLY person in MY relationship and no one can tell me how to lead it. Therefore I must figure out how I can grow old with it and look at my relationship with loving eyes and fewer worry lines or gray hairs! I mean I have been cheating. Hmm shame on me. But have I really? Yea some things I can do without, but really have I? Food. Food. Let's chat about it. It is in the essence of it all one of the most beautiful things in its own right. Wait I know I just said  above I am sick of food. Well I told you I had a love/hate relationship! but back to the issue at hand.   I wanna be faithful. Trust me. It deserves that. Part of renewing the fire back into the relationship is to look at it differently. Perhaps it's the creative person in me, but I have grown to love food over time more and more, but in a more evolved way. I am not overly picky, but I have found aspects about it that excite me. Working in cooking classes has encouraged it even more. I am obsessed and amazed by cooking documentaries (ask me about the ones I have watched). Talk about bringing some romance back! Looking at the food, smelling it, tasting it. Learning about all of the most incredible ways it can be made into these masterpieces is fascinating to me. I mean did you know it was art? I find myself  plating my food in a certain way, taking a picture of it (i don't care what any one has to say about that) I have made it my ritual, but again that's my relationship,maybe not yours. Food is beautiful and today we have made it an enemy. This monster. I think it's time we approach beauty and the beast. We don't live in a fairytale. It's real and here to stay.

So my friend,  I just wanted to say. I am trying. I am trying to work this out. I have been realizing that I need to be loved just the way I am and yet there is nothing wrong with changing for the better. I mean that's what a supportive relationship is about. But it is also about living life to the fullest. Not being just "full", stick with me here, but a full life. I have had some of my best memories around food.  I can't be obsessed with living in a place of self denial all the time. It's about balance. The give and take. I love a good green  juice, but I love a good burger here and there. I mean again. That is me, it may not be you. That is what I want to pass on that I am learning for myself. Everything in moderation, but not moderately living and experiencing. Live. Be conscious about the value of your health, but what use is there preserving a life that leaves you stressed out taking hours off it? Food is sustenance, it is art, it is social, it is cultural; food is a myriad of things that should not be boxed in. I mean don't we complain about that in our relationships? Don't do it to food. I am no expert and like all opinions, you do what you will with all of this. You at the end of the day have to find out what is best for YOU. We have been given body intuition, you need to start trusting it as I must. You know what is right for you and what is wrong. Like you know about a relationship. So I am just sharing my journey. It's a hard one, but worth walking through open minded and wide eyed. So when I ask you what's eating you? I hope you say it's not your food, but you are eating IT.

with Soul,

Artistic Soul

Freedom in Detachment

The title may seem a bit odd, since 'detachment' as a word may stir up feelings of a negative connotation. Yet, it is a word that I have learned to use over a period of time in my life as an encouraging reminder to self. There used to be a saying at my old job that was taught in classes about being 'detached from the outcome'. It is a very valuable statement that I have shared with many friends and try to remember to apply to my own life. We live in a world where people hold tightly to the things they have and live as hoarders. We are afraid that if we loosen our grips this things may be taken from us. We are people who love possessing and possessions. Even the most conscious minded of us seek to hold on and possess, even if it is our selves. Yet, are we really in control of even that? We ebb and flow and change each and every day. We are often surprised by the feelings that surface, come and go and the ones that stay attached to us even when we don't want them. Our desires and wants change and evolution has found a place in our lives even though we may not be prepared. This is all out of our control. All we can do is figure out how to change with it and embrace it.

One of the most challenging times to find detachment or a letting go is in romantic relationships. The principle can be applied to any relationship you want, but we seem to be baffled and obsessed with relationships with partners. It sometimes comes upon us like a tornado and sweeps us up dropping us places we don't know. It doesn't matter if the relationship is slow building or fast, we are never prepared for what it might present. Navigating human relationships is some of the most challenging and hardest work we'll ever have. It's taking time to realize not only do we have to be accountable for understanding the many intricacies of our own lives, we now are faced with how to walk the maze of another's life when the maze seems to always change just when we think we have made it out the other side. There is no other side. The twists and turns are constant. We all love a good challenge, but what about when we feel like enough is enough; we just want it to be easy. Easy is relative. If you admire a friend's relationship and it seems like its effortless, just know that work has been had to get to that place and there will be more times as such. We live almost in segments in time. It's like a film. When we watch a movie, we see it in its entirety, but what we don't see is that it is a series of edited scenes  mended together. If you were to take those scenes, each are very different and tell a different story evoking different emotions and meanings. Unlike edited scenes, our lives cannot be edited. The moment in time that we act out our experiences, they are imprinted and then gone. So what we do in those moments are important. How present we are is even more invaluable. This leads into why detachment in our relationships with partners is a lesson we have to learn in our lives. It is a lesson I am coming to learn more and more. It has been and still is very challenging. It takes practice.  Some lessons in our lives are repeated and that is because they are meant to be on a loop until we get it and then we stop the incessant rotation of the same scene in that film and move on to the next. I have seen the same scene over and over and now there has been some clarity. There has been an 'ah ha' moment. We get many of those 'ah ha' moments in our lives and yet, we let them pass by as insignificant, but they are moments that we should take time to really process and look at. Those moments come in our relationships. 

So back to the topic at hand. Detachment. When we enter into a relationship with someone, one of the first feelings that surface almost unconsciously is possession. This person now belongs to ME.  Belongs to me to fix me, love me, heal me, praise me, change me, stay with me. Now you may read that and think " no way, that does not sound right. I don't think like that". Ummm... yes you DO. If at any time you feel a sense of unease and jealousy. If insecurity stirs up in you because of something your partner said or did and you take it personal. If you become angry,  out of sorts or discontented with your partner. It comes from possession. You feel you posses that person and he/she posses you. Why? For the fact that he/she has made such  a significant impact on your emotions and mental well being tells you that. It's as if we feel out of control. As I have stated we are often people by nature that hold on to what we have very tightly. We don't have to live a dysfunctional life or have a some sorted colorful story to have a fear of abandonment. We often feel abandoned in many areas of our lives.There are careers, goals, relationships, family, friends etc. that have all 'failed' us in some way and abandoned us. In relationships, we are looking for that validation that we are someone that will not be left, worthy to be loved and deserve a promise of forever in blissful happiness. I mean that is what we see in movies and want to believe right? Abandoned, unabashed love and connection. We ALL want to be loved like that. You might think I am about to bring a storm cloud and say, THAT DON'T EXIST. No. It does. But when does it exist? It exists the moment we let go and detach from feeling that we are in control of the other person. It happens when we let go of our emotions and actions being controlled by what they do and say.  It happens when we stop thinking they are responsible for us and who we are or owe us something. It happens when we stop asking for permission from the other person. It happens when we stop thinking we deserve something from them. It happens when we let go of the past and the future of a 'forever' and live in the present. It happens when we let go enough to create a freedom in the relationship. It's not the old saying 'if you set them free he/she will come back to you' (or you get the point). No he/she may not. In knowing that, is where the the freedom is. It's being detached from the outcome. 

Detachment is a hard lesson to learn and put into practice. We as people don't like to be uncertain about any areas of our lives. We especially don't like uncertainty in matters of the heart. Yet, life is uncertainty. There is no promise of tomorrow, there is only today and that is what you can be certain about. The only person you are in control of walking this earth with everyday is YOU and even in that, we don't know what is in store for us. I have come to a hard lesson of learning to let go of being in control in my relationships. I am still learning it. Detachment in a relationship does not mean being disconnected and without feeling. It is not being without heart. It is not withholding or conditional giving to another. It is not protecting oneself from disappointments or hurt. It is not being absent or present so that you don't hurt in the absence of another should he/she leave. It is surrendering, letting go and loosening the hold around the person enough to respect and love them in their space and trusting that your relationship will be honored in the present. In the PRESENT. Present means you can not hold someone to make up for their past  (whether with or without you) nor promise the future.Again, we are ever changing as individuals and we never know if those changes will or will not include one another on this journey. Yet, if we are so blessed, we will walk on that road together for as long as it will allow till in whatever part of life the paths shall part. We always have to acknowledge that we are individuals that have to realize and be responsible for OUR OWN truths, wants, desires and happiness first and foremost, before another.  We have to push ourselves to loosen our hands from the delicacies of our partners necks and allow them to breathe. In detachment, though it feels scary and uncertain, it presents us with a beautiful revelation. Freedom. All the sudden there is a an epiphany that happens, a weight off our chests. We become present with our breathe and perspective changes. We stop missing those beautiful moments with our partners to look  for the next. We stop being ungrateful, impatient and judgmental. We stop expecting and start connecting. We start giving unconditionally when conditions have conditioned us to do so. We are content no matter what. We watch something special happen. The moment we let go and detach from the outcome, not only do our partners feel free to be present with you, but YOU will feel present with FREEDOM. 

with Soul, 

Artistic Soul