I know.. I know I been away longer than I should have. I feel like I have been on a permanent vacation beyond the one I had. I feel like I'm on auto pilot and yet I am going nowhere and my life is mini ball of a chaotic whirlwind. It's that infamous moment when you set foot in your home after the less than desired drawn out flight, in which the crook in your neck is a reminder of the immense exhaustion that has stumbled you across the threshold of your door. You take a deep breath and a sigh of relief you are home...You walk away from your suitcase.....
Yep it's still there.. right where I left it. The next few days it's what I live out of. It doesn't end there. The trail of strewn clothes, lingering dishes, piled up laundry overdue and the echo back of the empty fridge. Busy Busy Busy I steal moments in between to live in my home... home sweet home oh how I wish I could LIVE in you. It's ok, it's temporary insanity in which my mind needs to medicate itself in brief realization that rejuvenation did happen. It's all captured in a small facebook album.....The FAMILY REUNION.
This is really the true topic of the hour. One day I opened a FB message and there it was... some random person. This random person became less random when they posed the question about my real father... I was in a state of confusion and some shock. The inquiries began and low and behold as only facebook can do a miracle happens.. this random person is revealed in conversation to be my cousin on my fathers side. Wow.. my cousin??? There aren't words to describe the many passing thoughts and questions marks that swooped in and out of my head in a cloud of curiosity as to what happened to that other half of me for so long. I knew my father passed... but there was no way the rest disappeared. Yet life moves along and it never seems to be the opportune time and space to make this trek down a intense winding road of a lost memory lane. But in the true character of the universe one can only realize that it has its own agenda. What ifs and regrets of time lost, guilt of maybe not trying hard enough. The fear of the unknown and the outcomes all come rushing at you...
My father became absentee not because he left but we left. The abuse was the end to my last name as I knew it as he was an end in my life....so I thought. My only reflection was my younger sister and we held the last name that would eventually be a clue to lead our past to our present. All lead up that very moment when that one email linking to my last name would open a whole new world that I never knew existed. The Calvin world.. the family that I never knew I had in co existence all this time on the same plane in a different space living life as I for over 28 years. In these years forgiveness has allowed me never to forget, but to let go of that which would hinder me from growing.. growing.. something we must embrace with open arms. Something I had to embrace.
Hot ATL day and hearty laughter, good food, picture taking, questions and conversation accented with nervous yet anxious anticipations. Old pictures pieced time together like an old quilt in which I took a stroll down that lost memory lane of my young father and his brothers and other family members that now made periods on the end of my questions..it was a warming and exciting feeling. Such ease came in the flow of our interactions that all overshadowed the hurt and loss. It was a reminder that rejuvenation came in the gift of a new generation of Calvins. We didn't answer for nor take responsibility for the actions of our parents but this was now our time to start anew. Perfectly again in the plan of the universe and the power that be saw fit that we all be ready to come to this one center point in life to meet.
No matter what cards life has dealt you, you always have the choice to play them how you want. Always be open to the outcome you never know what is waiting for you. Forgiveness is powerful, openness is conducive to the ebb and flow of healthy closure and new beginnings. Then you will be ready to release so that you can RECONNECT.
I have and have never been happier.....
with soul,
Artistic Soul
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