Is it All about a Title?

A good friend recently writes this to me: "No longer do I want to hold back my true self from those I know, love and want to love. No longer do I want to rush, doubt or "own". I believe that we are socialized to feel that when we meet someone special and amazing that we could possibly see ourselves with we automatically want to "own them". Whether it be by marrying them, giving them a promise ring or putting a title on the relationship. But what do these titles or acts truly do to us or make us feel or feel entitled to? I've never been married nor do I ever want to be but I do know that when I am truly feeling something for someone and it is reciprocated I want to call them my boo and I want it to be monogamous. I think my concern of a title on a relationship such as "girlfriend/boyfriend" rises from my need for monogamy from the person I am seeing.

So I ask is it all about the title? Do you find yourself asking these same questions or obsessing over this very issue. Does TITLE=OWNERSHIP. We have to ask can you truly own someone like a material possession and if your mind is always inclined to lean towards owning the significant other in your life, as my friend said what does this entitle you to? It's amazing how the value of words can hold so much power and yet be so mutable at the same time they can often be of no worth and yet mean everything. Nothing permeates so strongly in us than the word we try to find to somehow distinguish a person in a romantic relationship being more than just a "friend". Then there lies in itself another issue.. how fast we try to run from that word.. "friend" when that's the very thing that should really be the rooting foundation of a committed relationship. Then we wonder why there are so many issues. Somehow psychologically there is a magical switch that happens that makes one journey from friendship into the new coveted world of relationship "titles" the golden egg. It is the end all be all final end result. Both should co exist but one seems to become lesser, almost obsolete. We run after the title like we are on the corner tryin to score crack. We get addicted, obsessed, crazy, possessive, suspicious, paranoid, schizophrenic even so much our significant other is trying to figure out how they ended up front row seat to the exorcist movie. That may seem a bit extreme to say but it can often feel this way for many of us.

How exciting are the butterfly filled twinges in our stomachs when we meet someone. We feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning,except we want this feeling everyday. So then there goes the mind..we have come to the point we realize we don't want the other person to so much as breathe without us there. Wait then we start to realize wait we don't want them to even breathe in the same direction of another either. We start to keep a running log of how much we are now investing in this situation and what the return should be and since we are doing so, isn't it fair that they be dedicated to us to be only ours? Isn't it fair we have full control of this situation? It's as if we lay down a contract on the table and say "hurry up and sign right there on the dotted line, never mind the small print. So what can that small print entail we may ask....

It can entail many things... things that you don't see about the other. Things that you don't WANT to see about the other. The invisible promise to live the happily ever after clause. The bag of luggage piled up in the corner that's yours and theirs from the previous. The list can go on and perhaps one of the most microscopic print in the contract, we really don't want someone to see is our FEAR. Fear of losing that person, fear or giving and not getting back, fear of not being the only one that's most able to make them happy, fear if they really get to know us they may not love us unconditionally the way we want. We think money is the root of all evil. I beg to differ that often times and in this case, FEAR is. The lack of ability to trust in the god given will of a person to choose to love you simply because they want to and there are no bells and whistles attached to you. Just all you... Why are we so afraid of letting go, that we want to hold on to something so tight that does not belong to us. What makes us feel so good about wanting to have rights to another, to own rights to who they are and all that they are. I would like to know in the real essence of it all..what is it that makes it all truly binding? Aren't these again but WORDS... we remember above what was said about words....

So what do you we think we gain out of owning another by title? the boo, the girlfriend, the wifie etc. In honesty, not even in the lawful contractual so called binding institution of marriage is there any guarantees that makes another YOURS. Have we not learned our lesson as to stop and think about the increasing divorce rate? while some fight to make it sacred, the value system and marriage sanctity that was so once upheld is fast deteriorating. We have become so obsessed to posses that we are insatiable in our appetites to consume more than one person in our lives.. we start with one and the urge becomes so uncontrollable to own another, that one person is simply not enough. Why do we think that loving someone or a relationship is so much different then a human's desire today to consume material wealth? We have bonded the two together. Material is in the same catergory as love.. we treat it as a commodity. We sometimes leave the price tag on a person so we can give it back if we don't want them. How have we come to thinking that people in our lives can be so disposable?

So does it profit to own your significant? In reality no.. nothing belongs to us in this life, it's but on borrow status. We should but only feel so blessed. If a piece of paper, an eye popping wedding band you spent all your life savings on or you been waiting on won't lock down the fidelity of another or make someone love you more, then why do we think we can in any way place all our hope, worth and expectations in a 'title"? Wait! Did we find another culprit word to throw in the mix? Yes EXPECTATIONS..

Another disillusioned mind trip we go on is expecting that when someone takes on this new role under this now "special" title, they will be all we want them to be for us. They will take on every pain, shortcoming, inadequacy, fantasy, hope and dream we have. We pile on a huge load onto the soldiers of our significant other. This is another major killer en route to a healthy relationship. Expectations. In the title comes expectations. So now thus far we have labeled, owned, and expected. My we sound super arrogant and bossy don't we for people that just want a loving relationship. Let's not forget to add on the green eyed bandit that makes it's debut in us. So is it really all worth this expended energy? Do we really want to take ourselves through this unnecessary transformation into something we don't want to become. Where we almost have to ask who we are when all of it goes down because we often don't know what came over us.

We need to release, let go. We need to trust in the evolution that comes in the flow between you and the your significant. Trust that there is a deeper connection that goes beyond our attachment and possession of another. Trust and open our eyes and hearts to see that the face of loving someone and them loving you in return, is not ridden with worry lines, bugged green eyes, hunched shoulders of insecurities, wrinkles of fear and lost expectations. Never should it be this way yet many of us live it everyday. Now is it special to hear " that's my or meet my..." you fill in the blank. Yes is there something you feel in which you need to know the level has changed and it's time to make it "official" that all we give is between now just you and the other. Yes all these things are real and valid. It makes complete sense. But it's when all we are doing is missing out on enjoying the person, each moment, each day, each nuance of the growth of this new friendship and connection.. this is the issue. It's no different than saying one is " in love with being in love" some of us want to own to own. It's become as my friend says .. the world's standards. All we know in functioning in the development of a relationship is how to own. We know there is A and we are trying to get to Z. So I ask what happened to the rest of the alphabets? if you forget those we can't form words, no words, then no sentences, no sentences, then no conversation. Just think of that... Silence.

It all takes time, let it come.. this blog is just as much a self reflection as it is a open forum. We all need to remember that it's not all about the end destination, it's about the journey in between. Then one day you will suddenly realize perhaps you are exactly where you truly and sincerely wanted to always be with that significant other. So next time you can't turn the obsessing frown upside down, just ask... is it all about a TITLE?

with soul,

artistic soul