We often shun constant repeated lessons in our lives fearing that we never seem to come to a point of clarity. Each time we seem to find something different with perhaps the same underlined theme. I am one of those that have had the same repeated lessons in partner relationships and as frustrating as it may be, there is some satisfactory joy in the epiphany of some revelation to create change. The latest revelation was I have found that I allow the other person create personal boundaries for me.
Many times we enter relationships thinking that we are clear on the boundaries we will set with a person. As feelings become more involved, "compromising" for the sake of the relationship is indeed compromising but not in the healthy intention of creating unity but the demise of one's personal boundaries of emotions, values and beliefs. During the evolution of the relationship taking place, there comes a point where there may be a rise of the dominant personality. There is the one partner that seems to become the crux in which the direction the relationship may take. The passive partner believes they are holding true to their values, beliefs, wants and desires. Unbeknown to one's self you then realize that you have been swindled by your own self. The other person proceeds to navigate through the relationship without any accountability for their behaviors, their words, their actions and feelings . They remain true to what they feel as themselves as you begin to bend, twist, cut, contort yourself to fit, not the JOINT relationship.. but THEIR relationship. This.. This is exactly what it has become. THEIRS, not "OUR".
These type of relationships can become detrimental to some of us and tricky. We are convinced that we are being cooperative or avoiding uncertain "drama" . In reality we can become so desperate to create a "relationship" that we are willing to accept the terms of another without consulting our true selves as to what is it that we truly want. There may even be times we clearly see that something is not beneficial for us and may even create and uncomfortable feeling for us. Everything in us is screaming at us to listen to our intuition, but we ignore it with an ignorant bliss. We then open our eyes and realize that we have perhaps waded too deep in the waters of disillusionment. So how do we resolve this matter?
We must hold true to our boundaries. There is no magical answer. It's simply a decision. We often compromise out of fear. Fear that the other person will not accept our boundaries, which is in fact a personal respect and value for self. The value of knowing that your boundaries are just as important as the other person's. We fear the person may abandon us and so we deem them of greater importance than ourselves in the contribution and foundation of the relationship. There has to come a time when we stop asking ourselves: "how did I get in this? " or blaming the other person for the state of our unhappiness. Fact of the matter is no one can make you be anywhere or do anything that we don't give permission to. We can't base our decisions hanging on the words and actions of another. I am not saying compromising and reevaluating perhaps some more strict boundaries are wrong, as two people should be assessing what is in the best interest of a relationship that is comfortable for the BOTH. The issue is when the best interest is in the interest of one person.
This is MY personal belief, that when you meet the right person to be your companion they will not ask, imply, manipulate, telepathically or by any other means expect you to compromise your boundaries. YOU will not feel the need to expect that of yourself as well. There will be in existence a harmony and reassurance that the relationship is built within the endless boundaries of happy possibilities.
With Soul,
Artistic Soul
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Wow! Very eloquently stated Angela. I'm going to twist this a little and direct this, but not limit it to heterosexual relationships. I know the fella's are going to flip once they read this, but it has to be said. Often it seems that this is the woman's role, because of the natural nurturing make-up of a woman. Too bad most men don't realize the courage it takes to publicly express themselves in this manner, but a lot of men do feel this way too. I've been guilty of this behavior as well, fearing that I will fail if I don't jump through the hoops to please my woman (something I refuse to do in most aspects of my life, knowing when to quit), which can be a hinderance to a healthy relationship and mental health. I found myself falling subject to the doormat role out of stubbornness, serving a pseudo ego when it comes to giving up, based on the many failed relationships I've been privileged to spectate. By no means would I attempt to coerce anyone to take the role of a doormat in a relationship, but I will state that being a nurturer and a compromising type personality is far greater than being a selfish mental midget, insisting that everything goes their way. That's just ludicrous. We just need to be more specific in selecting who we get involved with, before we get it on with. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF, EMBRACE YOURSELF!
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