New Journey, New Transitions, New Thoughts-Newly Wed Part 1

Saturday, Nov 7, 2015-Dara Thomas and Angela Calvin, said I DO. Per  my usual pattern, I disappear for a while in writing and then come back. I keep saying I need to be more consistent. Yet, I feel like I always need to be inspired. I just need to create inspiration and relevance within myself. Well, with that aside, I can continue on and be present with you all right now. Back to what I was saying... November 7th, 2015 someone got married...

So now I am not going to go into some doting  slobbery rainbow filled story  of how we met, the love story and so on, though it's a wonderful story. I more wanted to chat about what's been my thought process through this new experience and transition in my life. It all starts with the question asked by friends, "How's married life?" I took a moment to think about that since it's a reoccurring question.  So let's talk about this. What was my answer? Nothing has changed. Now I know, hearing that statement wasn't what you really expected and nor does it sound awe inspiring and happy. Well, just hold on a minute. Let me expand a little more. Nothing has really changed because nothing has really changed in the way my relationship moves on a daily. My wife and I continue on interacting with one another as we always have. The one change there is, is the title. But, I know people want to know a little deeper. People want to know how do I feel? Has something changed or shifted? The question may not be asked consciously, but subconsciously people are wondering are things different now with the formal title of marriage. Perhaps is it better? worse? magical? what?! So let  me address my perspective on it all and how I really feel. 

I think that we as a society have placed a heavy expectation on marriage. I think that many people have different responses or preconceived notions about marriage due to our own personal experiences or social influences. I think that some of us have a negative connotation that this is the end of personal freedom and now one is bound forever on lock down. There is a fear that surfaces that one's autonomy is gone or that one's inadequacy will be revealed. Others think that this is a fix-it-all to their own personal dysfunctional narratives about being loved and healing their past that have hurtful holes in them. Maybe someone has run a string of relationships being with commitment phobes and if they can just get them to the altar then that means that suddenly the other person's phobia has disappeared. We think that marriage is a cure all magical alternate universal shift or a descent into the hell of partnered isolation. Either way, I think that we are looking at this all wrong. 

For me  I believe it is the beginning of the end when enter marriage already setting ourselves up for failure through our need to petal stool it or martyr it.  When I look at my wife, I still see the same woman. Yes, I made a special proclamation before the world that she is my one and only bound by law. It is big. Yes it is. Yet,  her face has not changed, her personality, the side of the bed she wakes up on and how we are on a daily. I think because we honor the new title, but stay present that it is only that, a title; we can confidently navigate the space ahead of us with clarity. As special as it is, we came in whole and ready. There was nothing that a marriage title could fix or replace. So because we see it this way, marriage could be freely appreciated for it's full gift rather than burdened by the expectation of what it  is not. It is not a fixer, a replacer, a space holder or anything else. It is really a gift. It is the cherry on top of affirming what is already bound and whole. 

So the next time you think about what it feels like to be married. Just think.. it is like this present moment. It simply is. With a cherry on top;)

Color and Friendship Boundaries

Race relations. It has been a  blinking fluorescent neon sign flashing that is hard to miss. It is sitting at the forefront of our minds stimulating our thoughts and pushing every conscious and non-conscious button in our bodies. It is not only pushing boundaries in our belief systems and humanity but it is revealing the characters of our fellow neighbors. Our fellow neighbors as friends and those that we added as fb "friends" because they had a mutual friend in common.  I think that many of us are facing inner turmoils as we toss over the commentaries and dialogues that are taking some of us.. no many of us by surprise.. or leaving us caught off guard. I find it interesting to come across posts of fb excommunications of people from people's friends list. Things just got real. They have been real. No they just keep getting more real.

It spurred  me to write and  express my own sentiments about these turmoils concerning friends and their perspectives on such matters as race relations. I feel I have personally felt my own challenges with this. I think I am in expectation of random people's opinions, but I have struggled with my own friends.  I have had to have the discussion with myself, a check in of sorts about the real situation of my friendships. I never expect my friends to think like me. I love them because I value being challenged to grow and being surrounded by strong opinionated cultured intellectual friendships. Yet, there are some topics in which I find myself feeling divided. I find myself feeling like there is an illusion. There is a certain illusion in which some friendships lie in the safety of a "friendship"; it is an allowance to cross boundaries in this illusion. Race relations is one that has stirred some deep feelings of contemplation for me. 

While I possess many friends of different races, I fear that the "safety" and even familiarity of these relations has misled or has created a narrow perspective into my experience and life as a black woman. I fear that with the progression of times changing towards racial harmony or acceptance and striving to be as " one"; many forget that there still is an individual struggle. It is an individual struggle that cannot be swept under the rug in generalizations or minimized with idealistic thinking. I feel that people are shrugging their shoulders in impatience with those of us that seem to appear to them  not evolved into more worldly beings of "oneness" and spiritual ascension above this world. But we live in this world. This world exists as it is. It is not an illusion. It is real with real life stories in which we must walk real life pages and narrate through. I feel the distance of strangers, but the abandonment of friends. Abandonment through the lack of empathetic understanding in the experiences of those not like them. 

I asked myself some probing questions. Have some of the people I call friends crossed boundaries consciously and unconsciously into thinking that because I am a friend of color, they can dismiss my experiences? They say in not so many ways " get over it". Do they think that I will not separate my friendship line from them to guard that which is fundamentally sacred to me as if they were a stranger? I do think that some think that some of us will not go there. But do trust me, some of us will. At the end of the day, let's keep it real. We may stand side by side as friends, but the world will judge and treat us differently in given circumstances. All friendship lines dissolve and every person is to fend for self. I think there is to be a respect and acknowledgment that though we know one another, we don't really "know" one another. We can never walk in one another's shoes. This should never be forgotten. 

For those that are dreamers, there is always room to dream, but one should never forget the present struggle that exists  in which some of us are not allowed to forget.  For the battle is not in the clouds, it is on the ground. On the ground, rooted in everyday experiences. Some of the best things you can do as a friend is to think before you speak, consider another's  story before your own story  and respect  those real "friendship" boundaries. 

Where am I?

I have felt like I need a GPS to find out where I am in my life. Have you felt like that? Do you hope that perhaps you can google your name and maybe it will give you some information on who you are and what you in the world you are doing? Yes. That's sometimes how I feel. Really I feel like I need a divine burning bush  or parting cloud to have an audible voice give me the 411.  I sit here moving forward, yet at this impasse. I often wonder how that can happen at the same time. It is as if someone knows what' up, but they are NOT letting me in on the master plan.

There is this feeling of an energetic wall. I seem to feel I have been running into it so many times. I am on this never ending loop coming back to the same space and questions, so much so that making decisions is all that more difficult. There starts to be this lack of clarity and one questions if every decision is the "right" or "wrong" one till you don't even make a decision at all. There lies an issue in this. Indecision gives birth to a ever growing problem of fear. The fear to trust intuition, fear to take risks, fear to make mistakes, fear to face disappointment, fear of not being accepted, fear of being passionate, fear of dreaming. Just FEAR. The list can go on really. I start to find more and more reasons to feel at a standstill and lost. I look at my age, my circumstances, my finances, how I compare my life to others and even other's expectations of me. I don't know how to please myself and others at the same time. I can only focus on one thing at a time! ME. I have to focus on ME. So how do I start moving? How do I get my GPS to work? How do I start navigating my way through my life  and  find my destination? Yet, really the destination changes all the time. We make them as we go it seems. We have tangible goals and mile markers. Some think about the big picture of purpose. Whatever it is for you, I am searching for my own changing never ending destinations.

I am resolute to stop watching my life as a silent movie in slow motion. Maybe this is not how others perceive my life, but I feel my life needs to have some audio and it needs to be turned up. Loudly. Everyday I find that I must find some breakthrough to get me out of the muck and mire. My feet must become unstuck. They must. I think at times I must take a step back and acknowledge the movement of the universe to continue its plans regardless if we are on board or not. The world moves and it always offers us a ride. The universal energy is waiting for us move with it. Rock with it. Dance with it. Be open to it. I sometimes see that when I put my hand and mind to labor no matter where and how, it somehow produces fruit. I may think it irrelevant and disconnected to where I think it all should be heading, but it's never disconnected. Even as I say that I may know this in my head, but it's hard to really trust this thought process. I do think that I have lacked making the best decisions in my life and here I stand. I think we get a bit too caught up in the saying
"It's OK. Don't worry. Trust you are exactly where you are supposed to be". Yes you are. In the wrong place!  I don't always think that saying is what we WANT it to mean. I don't think we are always where are supposed to be. Sometimes those"super spiritual" sayings or affirmations are a cop out and excuse to validate our complacency or mediocrity. Come on. Let's keep it real. That being said, I do not believe in punishing ourselves in self defeating thoughts or dwelling on our life decisions in both action and inaction, but I do believe we have to take a sober estimate of things and take responsibility. This is the MOST challenging of all.

So each day I am trying to take responsibility. It's frustrating, challenging, discouraging, unclear and exhausting. I say that in my honest truth. Yet, I somehow have this inner voice that says that I may not be always walking on the path, but I am not far from it. I think we take detours, but we can always find our way back on the road. If we want to. Things in our lives may have taken longer to get there. We may still be trying to get there, but each step of the way we have to realize that ALL of it is valuable. ALL of it. There will be those days where you will say "ohhhhhhhhhh i get it!" Some things are apparent in our lives now and others are not. Some things have been continuously being watered and bared fruit only now. Some things spring  up right away. Some things have yet to take root or be revealed.  It is those "ah ha" and "ohh" moments  I am humbled when I complain and am impatient. It is in those "ah ha" and "ohh" moments that I feel both foolish I did not trust and grateful my faithlessness was disproved. I want these moments to become a string of moments weaved together to form an answer,  so that when I ask where am I? I can say here I am.

Tick Tock Goes the Clock- Aging and What?

Here I am back with true form. Months later and here I am to throw a topic out there. I am very random, yet I must feel the need to write. Ok, so let me stop always giving explanations for why I have such sporadic blog entries. But I do want to put more attention into this space. I love the freedom that writing gives me to share and express what is pressing on my mind and heart. So today... what shall I bare my soul to? Age. Yes. It's about that time that I reveal that... NO. I am not 25.. or early 30s I am.... wait for it..... 40. Yes. 40. Let me just say it is quite something to tackle. This concept that somehow the 20s flew by, the 30s is an after thought and here I  am. Say what!? When did this happen?

I have never been an "ageist" at least I have never considered myself one. I didn't quite think too much about my age until my last few years of 30. I also started thinking in numerical groupings and phases. Teens, early 20-30s and then 40s.. well you don't categorize like the glass is half full you think half empty and start rounding up! 40s. 50s. 60s. OMG! That's at least how my mind works. I start thinking if  I am dressing age appropriately. I start thinking can I go out and do this or that etc  and the list can go on. Wait was I told it's time for my first mammogram? Hold on pounds are being rude and making a home all the sudden?  Horror. I am sure there are many more scenarios! I never wanted to think in regrets or what could have or should have. But I do. I am here to be honest. I think that we could use that. Let's keep it real. I think to myself " I am nowhere I thought I should be by now". "I could have done xyz had I thought about it differently back then in my 20s... 30s".  How do I deal with this? I am talking about this because I think that it should be talked about. Recently, a close friend posted in fb her feelings about approaching 40. I read through a few responses and I felt this surge of annoyance. I mean in all fairness I do believe that people had sincere responses. They felt they processed through that time with positiveness and revelation. Other people I feel wanted to feel they needed to reassure and encourage. But for me I felt like "Girl let's not shoot rainbows up your .... " I simply replied, "Let's have tea" That was my way of saying let's have some time to keep it real because I feel you!

My close friend and I met for tea. We shared this place of feeling irrelevant and unimportant. We felt like here we were well educated, multi talented and in debt to prove it and yet, unemployed and lost as to what direction to take. The feeling of a dream deferred and wasted talents. We both felt like we were overflowing with possibilities and potentials, yet looking for our exact purpose. Yet, the window of time seemed to be closing in. We also realized that true to form, most people are locked in to a societal pressure and expectation to perform, produce and arrive at a certain bench mark in life. I jokingly discussed how I should have been in a career for years, decided on my own that I wanted to recreate myself in another interest and take it on as a "career change" because I realized that I wasn't working my life's passion. Also, I have a house and retirement savings and the ability to have an expendable income to come and go as I please bound to to no 9-5. I perhaps have 2.5 kids, a significant partner and a pet. Ok well, times have changed. Perhaps you are single and happy to be a free spirit to travel the world and have a lover or two or none if you like. Whatever the scenario, trust there is a picture that someone has painted for you. Heck, there is a picture you have painted for yourself. My friend and I looked at each other and also realized we are against our will giving permission to be reminded that other people around us are living lives we wish we had on social media. That cursed double edged sword. Social Media. Yes, I know.. you have encouraging words.. "Don't compare you life to anothers, you don't know their lives" Ummm.. ok. Tell me when you haven't done it.

I think that we sometimes just want the opportunity to be the people that others are wishing they fashioned their lives after. I think some of us work hard to want to be that and portray it. It's a dirty rat race. So to really close this out. It's not an easy transition through age. There are milestones. There are changes and experiences and each person experiences them differently. I am here to call out those that have transitioned seamlessly through this time and those that feel they are struggling. Mainly  to those struggling with growing older. Yes,  some of us know mentally that it's all in the mind. I by no means feel my spirit is old, but I know that time has an affect and we have choices in what we will do with that time and how we choose to shape our perspectives.

There is no magical answer, but what I will say is stay true and real to what you are feeling is this space and in  this process and maybe it is not 40. Perhaps you are feeling a weight at another age stage of your life. Just keep it real. Accept how you are feeling. Embrace it and beware it doesn't own you. How you are feeling is real and apart of your journey. It is NOT easy to find the color of happiness in it all, but there are still blessings that are in your life. Wisdom, growth, victories, defeats, revelations and opportunities. There are always opportunities to decide how you accept the cards dealt to you. You can always play a good hand. I can't profess that I have arrived and have figured out how to stop the barrage of  self doubts and defeating thoughts, the regrets and do-over thoughts. I will say one thing is true. At some point you have to trust that this is where you are not only supposed to be, which is what you expected me to say. You are where you are because you allowed it to be so. I think we are guided, but it is our choices to keep pressing forward to meet the design that is set before us. Many of us have taken the "alternate" routes, yet we must struggle forward to get back on to the road. Not the right road. Just the road. There is still a journey to be had. Until our last breathes, let's decide what that destination will be. At the end will be a clock and its hands will tell no certain time. It will be as you see fit. Tick Tock goes the clock. So What time is it for you?