Tick Tock Goes the Clock- Aging and What?

Here I am back with true form. Months later and here I am to throw a topic out there. I am very random, yet I must feel the need to write. Ok, so let me stop always giving explanations for why I have such sporadic blog entries. But I do want to put more attention into this space. I love the freedom that writing gives me to share and express what is pressing on my mind and heart. So today... what shall I bare my soul to? Age. Yes. It's about that time that I reveal that... NO. I am not 25.. or early 30s I am.... wait for it..... 40. Yes. 40. Let me just say it is quite something to tackle. This concept that somehow the 20s flew by, the 30s is an after thought and here I  am. Say what!? When did this happen?

I have never been an "ageist" at least I have never considered myself one. I didn't quite think too much about my age until my last few years of 30. I also started thinking in numerical groupings and phases. Teens, early 20-30s and then 40s.. well you don't categorize like the glass is half full you think half empty and start rounding up! 40s. 50s. 60s. OMG! That's at least how my mind works. I start thinking if  I am dressing age appropriately. I start thinking can I go out and do this or that etc  and the list can go on. Wait was I told it's time for my first mammogram? Hold on pounds are being rude and making a home all the sudden?  Horror. I am sure there are many more scenarios! I never wanted to think in regrets or what could have or should have. But I do. I am here to be honest. I think that we could use that. Let's keep it real. I think to myself " I am nowhere I thought I should be by now". "I could have done xyz had I thought about it differently back then in my 20s... 30s".  How do I deal with this? I am talking about this because I think that it should be talked about. Recently, a close friend posted in fb her feelings about approaching 40. I read through a few responses and I felt this surge of annoyance. I mean in all fairness I do believe that people had sincere responses. They felt they processed through that time with positiveness and revelation. Other people I feel wanted to feel they needed to reassure and encourage. But for me I felt like "Girl let's not shoot rainbows up your .... " I simply replied, "Let's have tea" That was my way of saying let's have some time to keep it real because I feel you!

My close friend and I met for tea. We shared this place of feeling irrelevant and unimportant. We felt like here we were well educated, multi talented and in debt to prove it and yet, unemployed and lost as to what direction to take. The feeling of a dream deferred and wasted talents. We both felt like we were overflowing with possibilities and potentials, yet looking for our exact purpose. Yet, the window of time seemed to be closing in. We also realized that true to form, most people are locked in to a societal pressure and expectation to perform, produce and arrive at a certain bench mark in life. I jokingly discussed how I should have been in a career for years, decided on my own that I wanted to recreate myself in another interest and take it on as a "career change" because I realized that I wasn't working my life's passion. Also, I have a house and retirement savings and the ability to have an expendable income to come and go as I please bound to to no 9-5. I perhaps have 2.5 kids, a significant partner and a pet. Ok well, times have changed. Perhaps you are single and happy to be a free spirit to travel the world and have a lover or two or none if you like. Whatever the scenario, trust there is a picture that someone has painted for you. Heck, there is a picture you have painted for yourself. My friend and I looked at each other and also realized we are against our will giving permission to be reminded that other people around us are living lives we wish we had on social media. That cursed double edged sword. Social Media. Yes, I know.. you have encouraging words.. "Don't compare you life to anothers, you don't know their lives" Ummm.. ok. Tell me when you haven't done it.

I think that we sometimes just want the opportunity to be the people that others are wishing they fashioned their lives after. I think some of us work hard to want to be that and portray it. It's a dirty rat race. So to really close this out. It's not an easy transition through age. There are milestones. There are changes and experiences and each person experiences them differently. I am here to call out those that have transitioned seamlessly through this time and those that feel they are struggling. Mainly  to those struggling with growing older. Yes,  some of us know mentally that it's all in the mind. I by no means feel my spirit is old, but I know that time has an affect and we have choices in what we will do with that time and how we choose to shape our perspectives.

There is no magical answer, but what I will say is stay true and real to what you are feeling is this space and in  this process and maybe it is not 40. Perhaps you are feeling a weight at another age stage of your life. Just keep it real. Accept how you are feeling. Embrace it and beware it doesn't own you. How you are feeling is real and apart of your journey. It is NOT easy to find the color of happiness in it all, but there are still blessings that are in your life. Wisdom, growth, victories, defeats, revelations and opportunities. There are always opportunities to decide how you accept the cards dealt to you. You can always play a good hand. I can't profess that I have arrived and have figured out how to stop the barrage of  self doubts and defeating thoughts, the regrets and do-over thoughts. I will say one thing is true. At some point you have to trust that this is where you are not only supposed to be, which is what you expected me to say. You are where you are because you allowed it to be so. I think we are guided, but it is our choices to keep pressing forward to meet the design that is set before us. Many of us have taken the "alternate" routes, yet we must struggle forward to get back on to the road. Not the right road. Just the road. There is still a journey to be had. Until our last breathes, let's decide what that destination will be. At the end will be a clock and its hands will tell no certain time. It will be as you see fit. Tick Tock goes the clock. So What time is it for you?