Tonight I went on a date with my wife to see HIDDEN FIGURES. An inspirational true story of 3 black women who made some of the most historical impacts on the NASA program in the 60's. I was excited to see this movie. Proud to see this movie tell this story. I walked into the theater of a mostly all white audience and noticed as I sat there, I was aware of something. I felt strangely odd. I mean it was great we were all there to not only be entertained, but educated. But I felt more. I am always aware of my blackness, but I felt a bit more acutely aware. I felt there was the elephant in the room that blackness was on display through white gaze on big screen. I thought to myself hmm, how will they react to the racism in the film? what are they thinking when they hear the word "negro". Do I respond out loud to parts that I want to "Uh huh and ummm yup, that's right " to? Do I have the right without sounding antagonizing. I felt silenced. I whispered to my wife on parts and silently cried, laughed where I felt safe and tensed silently where I felt myself angered. How were the other blacks in the movie feeling? Why the HELL AM I EVEN HAVING TO HAVE THIS DIALOGUE WITH MYSELF OVER A MOVIE!?
I even felt a odd desire and wish to be alone with this movie, to be protective. To not be distracted and to be present , when it is so hard to do these days. Strange I never feel this way when I go sit in a theater to watch an mostly all white cast movie. As a matter of fact, I never think anything of the fact that it has become the norm. There's nothing uncomfortable. THEY are rarely uncomfortable. This was another movie of another "First black..." another history lesson on black people magic that has always been and still is, but we get approximately 2 hours and some change to let you know. Let you know that what we live everyday is not in fact a script on screen even to this day. And yet, the movie ends and life goes on while the credits roll. While the credits roll...the story of our lives. The white gaze comes and goes as it pleases, never asking permission and we never gain relief for we are always the subject. These days.. I notice more. I notice my feelings are on the surface and my hyper awareness bubbling to the top.
In this current political climate, you can't help but feel a sense of paranoia as a person of color. These are not isolated self interrogations. It can become incessant. Walking into the grocery store, the restaurant, the club,the yoga class, the bar, the .. well you name it. It's as if you feel the room stops in slow motion and turns to look at you.. yet in reality everyone is keeping their same pace. Should that alarm me? that they are keeping their same pace. White gaze are you faking that you know? You really know what is going on right? How can it feel normal and abnormal all at the same time. It is this unspoken thing that we are entering a shit storm for this presidency and EVERYONE watched the devil take the stand. Everyone knows that the devil is building his army and you person of color are in the war path. Everyone knows that you are on the endangered species list. Everyone knows that indeed this is BLACK AND WHITE, because everything in the middle is collateral damage as well. White gaze you know. I know you know.
There are so many non verbal conversations happening without my knowledge. Spaces are feeling claustrophobic these days. My mind thinks on its own without consulting me. My mind sees for itself that we are sleepwalking with eyes wide open and coming into consciousness. Awakening. I am awake. I must traverse these feelings I have back and forth, to and fro till it is normal for me. I will NEVER walk into a movie theater and not be aware that I am not a Hidden Figure. I will always be black people magic trapped in a 2 hour movie script. This is not a dismal reality. This is real. There's nothing wrong with admitting that. We as people of color will process through these feelings alot these next coming days. More than ever. Let's talk about this. We must.
with soul,
Angie
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Sunday, November 15, 2015
New Journey, New Transitions, New Thoughts-Newly Wed Part 1
So now I am not going to go into some doting slobbery rainbow filled story of how we met, the love story and so on, though it's a wonderful story. I more wanted to chat about what's been my thought process through this new experience and transition in my life. It all starts with the question asked by friends, "How's married life?" I took a moment to think about that since it's a reoccurring question. So let's talk about this. What was my answer? Nothing has changed. Now I know, hearing that statement wasn't what you really expected and nor does it sound awe inspiring and happy. Well, just hold on a minute. Let me expand a little more. Nothing has really changed because nothing has really changed in the way my relationship moves on a daily. My wife and I continue on interacting with one another as we always have. The one change there is, is the title. But, I know people want to know a little deeper. People want to know how do I feel? Has something changed or shifted? The question may not be asked consciously, but subconsciously people are wondering are things different now with the formal title of marriage. Perhaps is it better? worse? magical? what?! So let me address my perspective on it all and how I really feel.
I think that we as a society have placed a heavy expectation on marriage. I think that many people have different responses or preconceived notions about marriage due to our own personal experiences or social influences. I think that some of us have a negative connotation that this is the end of personal freedom and now one is bound forever on lock down. There is a fear that surfaces that one's autonomy is gone or that one's inadequacy will be revealed. Others think that this is a fix-it-all to their own personal dysfunctional narratives about being loved and healing their past that have hurtful holes in them. Maybe someone has run a string of relationships being with commitment phobes and if they can just get them to the altar then that means that suddenly the other person's phobia has disappeared. We think that marriage is a cure all magical alternate universal shift or a descent into the hell of partnered isolation. Either way, I think that we are looking at this all wrong.
For me I believe it is the beginning of the end when enter marriage already setting ourselves up for failure through our need to petal stool it or martyr it. When I look at my wife, I still see the same woman. Yes, I made a special proclamation before the world that she is my one and only bound by law. It is big. Yes it is. Yet, her face has not changed, her personality, the side of the bed she wakes up on and how we are on a daily. I think because we honor the new title, but stay present that it is only that, a title; we can confidently navigate the space ahead of us with clarity. As special as it is, we came in whole and ready. There was nothing that a marriage title could fix or replace. So because we see it this way, marriage could be freely appreciated for it's full gift rather than burdened by the expectation of what it is not. It is not a fixer, a replacer, a space holder or anything else. It is really a gift. It is the cherry on top of affirming what is already bound and whole.
So the next time you think about what it feels like to be married. Just think.. it is like this present moment. It simply is. With a cherry on top;)
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Color and Friendship Boundaries
Race relations. It has been a blinking fluorescent neon sign flashing that is hard to miss. It is sitting at the forefront of our minds stimulating our thoughts and pushing every conscious and non-conscious button in our bodies. It is not only pushing boundaries in our belief systems and humanity but it is revealing the characters of our fellow neighbors. Our fellow neighbors as friends and those that we added as fb "friends" because they had a mutual friend in common. I think that many of us are facing inner turmoils as we toss over the commentaries and dialogues that are taking some of us.. no many of us by surprise.. or leaving us caught off guard. I find it interesting to come across posts of fb excommunications of people from people's friends list. Things just got real. They have been real. No they just keep getting more real.
It spurred me to write and express my own sentiments about these turmoils concerning friends and their perspectives on such matters as race relations. I feel I have personally felt my own challenges with this. I think I am in expectation of random people's opinions, but I have struggled with my own friends. I have had to have the discussion with myself, a check in of sorts about the real situation of my friendships. I never expect my friends to think like me. I love them because I value being challenged to grow and being surrounded by strong opinionated cultured intellectual friendships. Yet, there are some topics in which I find myself feeling divided. I find myself feeling like there is an illusion. There is a certain illusion in which some friendships lie in the safety of a "friendship"; it is an allowance to cross boundaries in this illusion. Race relations is one that has stirred some deep feelings of contemplation for me.
While I possess many friends of different races, I fear that the "safety" and even familiarity of these relations has misled or has created a narrow perspective into my experience and life as a black woman. I fear that with the progression of times changing towards racial harmony or acceptance and striving to be as " one"; many forget that there still is an individual struggle. It is an individual struggle that cannot be swept under the rug in generalizations or minimized with idealistic thinking. I feel that people are shrugging their shoulders in impatience with those of us that seem to appear to them not evolved into more worldly beings of "oneness" and spiritual ascension above this world. But we live in this world. This world exists as it is. It is not an illusion. It is real with real life stories in which we must walk real life pages and narrate through. I feel the distance of strangers, but the abandonment of friends. Abandonment through the lack of empathetic understanding in the experiences of those not like them.
I asked myself some probing questions. Have some of the people I call friends crossed boundaries consciously and unconsciously into thinking that because I am a friend of color, they can dismiss my experiences? They say in not so many ways " get over it". Do they think that I will not separate my friendship line from them to guard that which is fundamentally sacred to me as if they were a stranger? I do think that some think that some of us will not go there. But do trust me, some of us will. At the end of the day, let's keep it real. We may stand side by side as friends, but the world will judge and treat us differently in given circumstances. All friendship lines dissolve and every person is to fend for self. I think there is to be a respect and acknowledgment that though we know one another, we don't really "know" one another. We can never walk in one another's shoes. This should never be forgotten.
For those that are dreamers, there is always room to dream, but one should never forget the present struggle that exists in which some of us are not allowed to forget. For the battle is not in the clouds, it is on the ground. On the ground, rooted in everyday experiences. Some of the best things you can do as a friend is to think before you speak, consider another's story before your own story and respect those real "friendship" boundaries.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Where am I?
I have felt like I need a GPS to find out where I am in my life. Have you felt like that? Do you hope that perhaps you can google your name and maybe it will give you some information on who you are and what you in the world you are doing? Yes. That's sometimes how I feel. Really I feel like I need a divine burning bush or parting cloud to have an audible voice give me the 411. I sit here moving forward, yet at this impasse. I often wonder how that can happen at the same time. It is as if someone knows what' up, but they are NOT letting me in on the master plan.
There is this feeling of an energetic wall. I seem to feel I have been running into it so many times. I am on this never ending loop coming back to the same space and questions, so much so that making decisions is all that more difficult. There starts to be this lack of clarity and one questions if every decision is the "right" or "wrong" one till you don't even make a decision at all. There lies an issue in this. Indecision gives birth to a ever growing problem of fear. The fear to trust intuition, fear to take risks, fear to make mistakes, fear to face disappointment, fear of not being accepted, fear of being passionate, fear of dreaming. Just FEAR. The list can go on really. I start to find more and more reasons to feel at a standstill and lost. I look at my age, my circumstances, my finances, how I compare my life to others and even other's expectations of me. I don't know how to please myself and others at the same time. I can only focus on one thing at a time! ME. I have to focus on ME. So how do I start moving? How do I get my GPS to work? How do I start navigating my way through my life and find my destination? Yet, really the destination changes all the time. We make them as we go it seems. We have tangible goals and mile markers. Some think about the big picture of purpose. Whatever it is for you, I am searching for my own changing never ending destinations.
I am resolute to stop watching my life as a silent movie in slow motion. Maybe this is not how others perceive my life, but I feel my life needs to have some audio and it needs to be turned up. Loudly. Everyday I find that I must find some breakthrough to get me out of the muck and mire. My feet must become unstuck. They must. I think at times I must take a step back and acknowledge the movement of the universe to continue its plans regardless if we are on board or not. The world moves and it always offers us a ride. The universal energy is waiting for us move with it. Rock with it. Dance with it. Be open to it. I sometimes see that when I put my hand and mind to labor no matter where and how, it somehow produces fruit. I may think it irrelevant and disconnected to where I think it all should be heading, but it's never disconnected. Even as I say that I may know this in my head, but it's hard to really trust this thought process. I do think that I have lacked making the best decisions in my life and here I stand. I think we get a bit too caught up in the saying
"It's OK. Don't worry. Trust you are exactly where you are supposed to be". Yes you are. In the wrong place! I don't always think that saying is what we WANT it to mean. I don't think we are always where are supposed to be. Sometimes those"super spiritual" sayings or affirmations are a cop out and excuse to validate our complacency or mediocrity. Come on. Let's keep it real. That being said, I do not believe in punishing ourselves in self defeating thoughts or dwelling on our life decisions in both action and inaction, but I do believe we have to take a sober estimate of things and take responsibility. This is the MOST challenging of all.
So each day I am trying to take responsibility. It's frustrating, challenging, discouraging, unclear and exhausting. I say that in my honest truth. Yet, I somehow have this inner voice that says that I may not be always walking on the path, but I am not far from it. I think we take detours, but we can always find our way back on the road. If we want to. Things in our lives may have taken longer to get there. We may still be trying to get there, but each step of the way we have to realize that ALL of it is valuable. ALL of it. There will be those days where you will say "ohhhhhhhhhh i get it!" Some things are apparent in our lives now and others are not. Some things have been continuously being watered and bared fruit only now. Some things spring up right away. Some things have yet to take root or be revealed. It is those "ah ha" and "ohh" moments I am humbled when I complain and am impatient. It is in those "ah ha" and "ohh" moments that I feel both foolish I did not trust and grateful my faithlessness was disproved. I want these moments to become a string of moments weaved together to form an answer, so that when I ask where am I? I can say here I am.
There is this feeling of an energetic wall. I seem to feel I have been running into it so many times. I am on this never ending loop coming back to the same space and questions, so much so that making decisions is all that more difficult. There starts to be this lack of clarity and one questions if every decision is the "right" or "wrong" one till you don't even make a decision at all. There lies an issue in this. Indecision gives birth to a ever growing problem of fear. The fear to trust intuition, fear to take risks, fear to make mistakes, fear to face disappointment, fear of not being accepted, fear of being passionate, fear of dreaming. Just FEAR. The list can go on really. I start to find more and more reasons to feel at a standstill and lost. I look at my age, my circumstances, my finances, how I compare my life to others and even other's expectations of me. I don't know how to please myself and others at the same time. I can only focus on one thing at a time! ME. I have to focus on ME. So how do I start moving? How do I get my GPS to work? How do I start navigating my way through my life and find my destination? Yet, really the destination changes all the time. We make them as we go it seems. We have tangible goals and mile markers. Some think about the big picture of purpose. Whatever it is for you, I am searching for my own changing never ending destinations.
I am resolute to stop watching my life as a silent movie in slow motion. Maybe this is not how others perceive my life, but I feel my life needs to have some audio and it needs to be turned up. Loudly. Everyday I find that I must find some breakthrough to get me out of the muck and mire. My feet must become unstuck. They must. I think at times I must take a step back and acknowledge the movement of the universe to continue its plans regardless if we are on board or not. The world moves and it always offers us a ride. The universal energy is waiting for us move with it. Rock with it. Dance with it. Be open to it. I sometimes see that when I put my hand and mind to labor no matter where and how, it somehow produces fruit. I may think it irrelevant and disconnected to where I think it all should be heading, but it's never disconnected. Even as I say that I may know this in my head, but it's hard to really trust this thought process. I do think that I have lacked making the best decisions in my life and here I stand. I think we get a bit too caught up in the saying
"It's OK. Don't worry. Trust you are exactly where you are supposed to be". Yes you are. In the wrong place! I don't always think that saying is what we WANT it to mean. I don't think we are always where are supposed to be. Sometimes those"super spiritual" sayings or affirmations are a cop out and excuse to validate our complacency or mediocrity. Come on. Let's keep it real. That being said, I do not believe in punishing ourselves in self defeating thoughts or dwelling on our life decisions in both action and inaction, but I do believe we have to take a sober estimate of things and take responsibility. This is the MOST challenging of all.
So each day I am trying to take responsibility. It's frustrating, challenging, discouraging, unclear and exhausting. I say that in my honest truth. Yet, I somehow have this inner voice that says that I may not be always walking on the path, but I am not far from it. I think we take detours, but we can always find our way back on the road. If we want to. Things in our lives may have taken longer to get there. We may still be trying to get there, but each step of the way we have to realize that ALL of it is valuable. ALL of it. There will be those days where you will say "ohhhhhhhhhh i get it!" Some things are apparent in our lives now and others are not. Some things have been continuously being watered and bared fruit only now. Some things spring up right away. Some things have yet to take root or be revealed. It is those "ah ha" and "ohh" moments I am humbled when I complain and am impatient. It is in those "ah ha" and "ohh" moments that I feel both foolish I did not trust and grateful my faithlessness was disproved. I want these moments to become a string of moments weaved together to form an answer, so that when I ask where am I? I can say here I am.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Tick Tock Goes the Clock- Aging and What?
Here I am back with true form. Months later and here I am to throw a topic out there. I am very random, yet I must feel the need to write. Ok, so let me stop always giving explanations for why I have such sporadic blog entries. But I do want to put more attention into this space. I love the freedom that writing gives me to share and express what is pressing on my mind and heart. So today... what shall I bare my soul to? Age. Yes. It's about that time that I reveal that... NO. I am not 25.. or early 30s I am.... wait for it..... 40. Yes. 40. Let me just say it is quite something to tackle. This concept that somehow the 20s flew by, the 30s is an after thought and here I am. Say what!? When did this happen?
I have never been an "ageist" at least I have never considered myself one. I didn't quite think too much about my age until my last few years of 30. I also started thinking in numerical groupings and phases. Teens, early 20-30s and then 40s.. well you don't categorize like the glass is half full you think half empty and start rounding up! 40s. 50s. 60s. OMG! That's at least how my mind works. I start thinking if I am dressing age appropriately. I start thinking can I go out and do this or that etc and the list can go on. Wait was I told it's time for my first mammogram? Hold on pounds are being rude and making a home all the sudden? Horror. I am sure there are many more scenarios! I never wanted to think in regrets or what could have or should have. But I do. I am here to be honest. I think that we could use that. Let's keep it real. I think to myself " I am nowhere I thought I should be by now". "I could have done xyz had I thought about it differently back then in my 20s... 30s". How do I deal with this? I am talking about this because I think that it should be talked about. Recently, a close friend posted in fb her feelings about approaching 40. I read through a few responses and I felt this surge of annoyance. I mean in all fairness I do believe that people had sincere responses. They felt they processed through that time with positiveness and revelation. Other people I feel wanted to feel they needed to reassure and encourage. But for me I felt like "Girl let's not shoot rainbows up your .... " I simply replied, "Let's have tea" That was my way of saying let's have some time to keep it real because I feel you!
My close friend and I met for tea. We shared this place of feeling irrelevant and unimportant. We felt like here we were well educated, multi talented and in debt to prove it and yet, unemployed and lost as to what direction to take. The feeling of a dream deferred and wasted talents. We both felt like we were overflowing with possibilities and potentials, yet looking for our exact purpose. Yet, the window of time seemed to be closing in. We also realized that true to form, most people are locked in to a societal pressure and expectation to perform, produce and arrive at a certain bench mark in life. I jokingly discussed how I should have been in a career for years, decided on my own that I wanted to recreate myself in another interest and take it on as a "career change" because I realized that I wasn't working my life's passion. Also, I have a house and retirement savings and the ability to have an expendable income to come and go as I please bound to to no 9-5. I perhaps have 2.5 kids, a significant partner and a pet. Ok well, times have changed. Perhaps you are single and happy to be a free spirit to travel the world and have a lover or two or none if you like. Whatever the scenario, trust there is a picture that someone has painted for you. Heck, there is a picture you have painted for yourself. My friend and I looked at each other and also realized we are against our will giving permission to be reminded that other people around us are living lives we wish we had on social media. That cursed double edged sword. Social Media. Yes, I know.. you have encouraging words.. "Don't compare you life to anothers, you don't know their lives" Ummm.. ok. Tell me when you haven't done it.
I think that we sometimes just want the opportunity to be the people that others are wishing they fashioned their lives after. I think some of us work hard to want to be that and portray it. It's a dirty rat race. So to really close this out. It's not an easy transition through age. There are milestones. There are changes and experiences and each person experiences them differently. I am here to call out those that have transitioned seamlessly through this time and those that feel they are struggling. Mainly to those struggling with growing older. Yes, some of us know mentally that it's all in the mind. I by no means feel my spirit is old, but I know that time has an affect and we have choices in what we will do with that time and how we choose to shape our perspectives.
There is no magical answer, but what I will say is stay true and real to what you are feeling is this space and in this process and maybe it is not 40. Perhaps you are feeling a weight at another age stage of your life. Just keep it real. Accept how you are feeling. Embrace it and beware it doesn't own you. How you are feeling is real and apart of your journey. It is NOT easy to find the color of happiness in it all, but there are still blessings that are in your life. Wisdom, growth, victories, defeats, revelations and opportunities. There are always opportunities to decide how you accept the cards dealt to you. You can always play a good hand. I can't profess that I have arrived and have figured out how to stop the barrage of self doubts and defeating thoughts, the regrets and do-over thoughts. I will say one thing is true. At some point you have to trust that this is where you are not only supposed to be, which is what you expected me to say. You are where you are because you allowed it to be so. I think we are guided, but it is our choices to keep pressing forward to meet the design that is set before us. Many of us have taken the "alternate" routes, yet we must struggle forward to get back on to the road. Not the right road. Just the road. There is still a journey to be had. Until our last breathes, let's decide what that destination will be. At the end will be a clock and its hands will tell no certain time. It will be as you see fit. Tick Tock goes the clock. So What time is it for you?
I have never been an "ageist" at least I have never considered myself one. I didn't quite think too much about my age until my last few years of 30. I also started thinking in numerical groupings and phases. Teens, early 20-30s and then 40s.. well you don't categorize like the glass is half full you think half empty and start rounding up! 40s. 50s. 60s. OMG! That's at least how my mind works. I start thinking if I am dressing age appropriately. I start thinking can I go out and do this or that etc and the list can go on. Wait was I told it's time for my first mammogram? Hold on pounds are being rude and making a home all the sudden? Horror. I am sure there are many more scenarios! I never wanted to think in regrets or what could have or should have. But I do. I am here to be honest. I think that we could use that. Let's keep it real. I think to myself " I am nowhere I thought I should be by now". "I could have done xyz had I thought about it differently back then in my 20s... 30s". How do I deal with this? I am talking about this because I think that it should be talked about. Recently, a close friend posted in fb her feelings about approaching 40. I read through a few responses and I felt this surge of annoyance. I mean in all fairness I do believe that people had sincere responses. They felt they processed through that time with positiveness and revelation. Other people I feel wanted to feel they needed to reassure and encourage. But for me I felt like "Girl let's not shoot rainbows up your .... " I simply replied, "Let's have tea" That was my way of saying let's have some time to keep it real because I feel you!
My close friend and I met for tea. We shared this place of feeling irrelevant and unimportant. We felt like here we were well educated, multi talented and in debt to prove it and yet, unemployed and lost as to what direction to take. The feeling of a dream deferred and wasted talents. We both felt like we were overflowing with possibilities and potentials, yet looking for our exact purpose. Yet, the window of time seemed to be closing in. We also realized that true to form, most people are locked in to a societal pressure and expectation to perform, produce and arrive at a certain bench mark in life. I jokingly discussed how I should have been in a career for years, decided on my own that I wanted to recreate myself in another interest and take it on as a "career change" because I realized that I wasn't working my life's passion. Also, I have a house and retirement savings and the ability to have an expendable income to come and go as I please bound to to no 9-5. I perhaps have 2.5 kids, a significant partner and a pet. Ok well, times have changed. Perhaps you are single and happy to be a free spirit to travel the world and have a lover or two or none if you like. Whatever the scenario, trust there is a picture that someone has painted for you. Heck, there is a picture you have painted for yourself. My friend and I looked at each other and also realized we are against our will giving permission to be reminded that other people around us are living lives we wish we had on social media. That cursed double edged sword. Social Media. Yes, I know.. you have encouraging words.. "Don't compare you life to anothers, you don't know their lives" Ummm.. ok. Tell me when you haven't done it.
I think that we sometimes just want the opportunity to be the people that others are wishing they fashioned their lives after. I think some of us work hard to want to be that and portray it. It's a dirty rat race. So to really close this out. It's not an easy transition through age. There are milestones. There are changes and experiences and each person experiences them differently. I am here to call out those that have transitioned seamlessly through this time and those that feel they are struggling. Mainly to those struggling with growing older. Yes, some of us know mentally that it's all in the mind. I by no means feel my spirit is old, but I know that time has an affect and we have choices in what we will do with that time and how we choose to shape our perspectives.
There is no magical answer, but what I will say is stay true and real to what you are feeling is this space and in this process and maybe it is not 40. Perhaps you are feeling a weight at another age stage of your life. Just keep it real. Accept how you are feeling. Embrace it and beware it doesn't own you. How you are feeling is real and apart of your journey. It is NOT easy to find the color of happiness in it all, but there are still blessings that are in your life. Wisdom, growth, victories, defeats, revelations and opportunities. There are always opportunities to decide how you accept the cards dealt to you. You can always play a good hand. I can't profess that I have arrived and have figured out how to stop the barrage of self doubts and defeating thoughts, the regrets and do-over thoughts. I will say one thing is true. At some point you have to trust that this is where you are not only supposed to be, which is what you expected me to say. You are where you are because you allowed it to be so. I think we are guided, but it is our choices to keep pressing forward to meet the design that is set before us. Many of us have taken the "alternate" routes, yet we must struggle forward to get back on to the road. Not the right road. Just the road. There is still a journey to be had. Until our last breathes, let's decide what that destination will be. At the end will be a clock and its hands will tell no certain time. It will be as you see fit. Tick Tock goes the clock. So What time is it for you?
Friday, August 22, 2014
What's Eating You?
So how you feeling about your relationship? Is it healthy? Is it giving you what you need? Does it take up too much of your time? Is there not enough happening in it? Does it make you feel good about yourself and really compliment your life? Do you see a positive present and future in it? Oh??! you thought I was talking about your love life? Oh no.. I wasn't talking about that whatsoever. Good luck on that.. ahem. Let's move on. I was talking about your relationship with food. It's a long hard stressful relationship of ups and downs I have been having with food for some time. It's a relationship I can't seem to breakup with of course, but it's needing some work. Never has it been abusive to me, but we've been going out for so long that it's time to reshape and renew a healthiness back into it. Put a new life into it. I feel like it's worth that effort to work on this relationship because it's played such an important role in my life. So let's chat about this. I want to share with you some about my relationship, how I feel and what I think perhaps we could gain from this chat we are going to be having. Hopefully, we'll walk away with a new perspective without paying out anyone for some shrink time on a sticky leather couch, uncomfortably adjusting your clothing to cover your embarrassing "love affair".
Call it genetics, call it society or call it what you want, but we in America are obsessed with our appearances. Social media and the like has made it incredibly difficult to know what to do with our body images. The topic becomes more impacted when you add the 100 pound baggage we carry around with our personal lives and the many issues we are aware of and not aware of that weigh us down. Self esteem hides behind body image and body image becomes a mask in which all things dark about ourselves hide. Then try living in cities where you are inundated with body messages telling you how to have a relationship with your body and food. Or everyone now has advice upon advice on social media about how you can lose weight. Can you believe it? Someone has the nerve to dictate how you run your relationship? The worse thing about that? you listen. You listen to almost everyone. You think you don't but let's keep it real. You listen. IF you didn't then why are you thinking about it right now and why are you eating a small salad when you want a burger or drinking diet coke instead of coke? That's what I thought. Some people don't care. Not always a good thing, but I also give kudos for the personal mental freedom to not be bound to opinion. But where are the plethora of articles giving advice about how to re frame your mind about eating in relation to personal body image? It's all quick fixes and trust me I like a quick fix like the next person, but it doesn't always work for everyone. I mean there really is a direct everyday correlation that happens and a process that happens in your decision making on how you will eat and what you will eat. We see food being paraded in front of us everyday on a billboard, a restaurant, commercials on TV that are directed at our senses. The main ones are sight and smell. But sight is the most powerful because it moves us to think. Thinking... yes. It all is very much psychological. What you think about is what you become, so why is it any different in food?
So let's talk about my struggle. Well everything I am talking about is my struggle! I have always struggled with thinking about my weight and appearance. Thinking about what I "should" look like. Funny thing is the "should" question or thought should sound familiar. We think about this when asking, "what should I be doing with my life," who should I have as a partner", "where should I be in my life right now." and so the list can go. All things are interconnected. Food is no different. the perspective and attitude we take with food, is the same for any part of our lives and they deeply affect one another. I have been the incessant googler and bothersome friend asking another what to do about shaping up and eating healthy. So let's keep it real right now. I am tired. I am sick of food. If I could get rid of it I would. I am exhausted thinking everyday about what to eat and it be "healthy". Especially when there is not as much easy access to it as the McDonalds, Jack in the Box and Albertos, Gilbertos, Juanbertos, you just passed within the last 4 blocks. Not that I want to eat all that . But you get my point. What is the problem? Well there are many. Let me first start by saying, something I am learning is that the first approach to gaining a healthy relationship back and shaping up is not because you want to look good, but feel good as in being healthy. Like a relationship, losing weight is a band aid. You fight and make up, but only apologize on the surface, you still blame the person, but never work on the core reasons why you are disagreeing in the first place! so it comes back and maybe the same issue or in the form of another. So just aesthetically taking care of your body isn't enough. What happened to the psychological affects and reasons behind WHY you are trying lose weight? where has that gone? They are there.
So back to my issues, sorry I was sharing with you wasn't I? I won't keep talking I promise. But my main struggle has been trying to be healthy while of course looking better. I mean come on I am a real person. Why would I not want both? Again first should be feeling better by being healthier and the in return we'll look better. It's a win win situation. The healthy part is by far the hardest part of all. What is the definition of healthy according to who? It is hard when you are sorting through opinions and trying to figure out what is best for you. Let's get this straight. One size does NOT fit all when it comes to healthy eating and weight loss. One has to take into account personal health, genetics, culture, economics and geography to name a few. There within lies the issue for me and I think for a lot of people. All those factors. Yet, again we are being beat over the head with advice. It's like informational mayhem, making us schizo! I am up and I am down. I am happy then depressed waiting for an outcome. I am becoming exhausted with something that is the very necessity of life and really should be a beautiful thing.
Let me start to bring this to a close, I don't want to lose you and I don't think there needs to be a part two to this conversation. As there so much more that can be talked about I haven't discussed with you, but I won't so just hold on. I don't want to end on a tirade about my relationship. I think it's important to look at the beautiful things I am learning about my relationship. I am the ONLY person in MY relationship and no one can tell me how to lead it. Therefore I must figure out how I can grow old with it and look at my relationship with loving eyes and fewer worry lines or gray hairs! I mean I have been cheating. Hmm shame on me. But have I really? Yea some things I can do without, but really have I? Food. Food. Let's chat about it. It is in the essence of it all one of the most beautiful things in its own right. Wait I know I just said above I am sick of food. Well I told you I had a love/hate relationship! but back to the issue at hand. I wanna be faithful. Trust me. It deserves that. Part of renewing the fire back into the relationship is to look at it differently. Perhaps it's the creative person in me, but I have grown to love food over time more and more, but in a more evolved way. I am not overly picky, but I have found aspects about it that excite me. Working in cooking classes has encouraged it even more. I am obsessed and amazed by cooking documentaries (ask me about the ones I have watched). Talk about bringing some romance back! Looking at the food, smelling it, tasting it. Learning about all of the most incredible ways it can be made into these masterpieces is fascinating to me. I mean did you know it was art? I find myself plating my food in a certain way, taking a picture of it (i don't care what any one has to say about that) I have made it my ritual, but again that's my relationship,maybe not yours. Food is beautiful and today we have made it an enemy. This monster. I think it's time we approach beauty and the beast. We don't live in a fairytale. It's real and here to stay.
So my friend, I just wanted to say. I am trying. I am trying to work this out. I have been realizing that I need to be loved just the way I am and yet there is nothing wrong with changing for the better. I mean that's what a supportive relationship is about. But it is also about living life to the fullest. Not being just "full", stick with me here, but a full life. I have had some of my best memories around food. I can't be obsessed with living in a place of self denial all the time. It's about balance. The give and take. I love a good green juice, but I love a good burger here and there. I mean again. That is me, it may not be you. That is what I want to pass on that I am learning for myself. Everything in moderation, but not moderately living and experiencing. Live. Be conscious about the value of your health, but what use is there preserving a life that leaves you stressed out taking hours off it? Food is sustenance, it is art, it is social, it is cultural; food is a myriad of things that should not be boxed in. I mean don't we complain about that in our relationships? Don't do it to food. I am no expert and like all opinions, you do what you will with all of this. You at the end of the day have to find out what is best for YOU. We have been given body intuition, you need to start trusting it as I must. You know what is right for you and what is wrong. Like you know about a relationship. So I am just sharing my journey. It's a hard one, but worth walking through open minded and wide eyed. So when I ask you what's eating you? I hope you say it's not your food, but you are eating IT.
with Soul,
Artistic Soul
Call it genetics, call it society or call it what you want, but we in America are obsessed with our appearances. Social media and the like has made it incredibly difficult to know what to do with our body images. The topic becomes more impacted when you add the 100 pound baggage we carry around with our personal lives and the many issues we are aware of and not aware of that weigh us down. Self esteem hides behind body image and body image becomes a mask in which all things dark about ourselves hide. Then try living in cities where you are inundated with body messages telling you how to have a relationship with your body and food. Or everyone now has advice upon advice on social media about how you can lose weight. Can you believe it? Someone has the nerve to dictate how you run your relationship? The worse thing about that? you listen. You listen to almost everyone. You think you don't but let's keep it real. You listen. IF you didn't then why are you thinking about it right now and why are you eating a small salad when you want a burger or drinking diet coke instead of coke? That's what I thought. Some people don't care. Not always a good thing, but I also give kudos for the personal mental freedom to not be bound to opinion. But where are the plethora of articles giving advice about how to re frame your mind about eating in relation to personal body image? It's all quick fixes and trust me I like a quick fix like the next person, but it doesn't always work for everyone. I mean there really is a direct everyday correlation that happens and a process that happens in your decision making on how you will eat and what you will eat. We see food being paraded in front of us everyday on a billboard, a restaurant, commercials on TV that are directed at our senses. The main ones are sight and smell. But sight is the most powerful because it moves us to think. Thinking... yes. It all is very much psychological. What you think about is what you become, so why is it any different in food?
So let's talk about my struggle. Well everything I am talking about is my struggle! I have always struggled with thinking about my weight and appearance. Thinking about what I "should" look like. Funny thing is the "should" question or thought should sound familiar. We think about this when asking, "what should I be doing with my life," who should I have as a partner", "where should I be in my life right now." and so the list can go. All things are interconnected. Food is no different. the perspective and attitude we take with food, is the same for any part of our lives and they deeply affect one another. I have been the incessant googler and bothersome friend asking another what to do about shaping up and eating healthy. So let's keep it real right now. I am tired. I am sick of food. If I could get rid of it I would. I am exhausted thinking everyday about what to eat and it be "healthy". Especially when there is not as much easy access to it as the McDonalds, Jack in the Box and Albertos, Gilbertos, Juanbertos, you just passed within the last 4 blocks. Not that I want to eat all that . But you get my point. What is the problem? Well there are many. Let me first start by saying, something I am learning is that the first approach to gaining a healthy relationship back and shaping up is not because you want to look good, but feel good as in being healthy. Like a relationship, losing weight is a band aid. You fight and make up, but only apologize on the surface, you still blame the person, but never work on the core reasons why you are disagreeing in the first place! so it comes back and maybe the same issue or in the form of another. So just aesthetically taking care of your body isn't enough. What happened to the psychological affects and reasons behind WHY you are trying lose weight? where has that gone? They are there.
So back to my issues, sorry I was sharing with you wasn't I? I won't keep talking I promise. But my main struggle has been trying to be healthy while of course looking better. I mean come on I am a real person. Why would I not want both? Again first should be feeling better by being healthier and the in return we'll look better. It's a win win situation. The healthy part is by far the hardest part of all. What is the definition of healthy according to who? It is hard when you are sorting through opinions and trying to figure out what is best for you. Let's get this straight. One size does NOT fit all when it comes to healthy eating and weight loss. One has to take into account personal health, genetics, culture, economics and geography to name a few. There within lies the issue for me and I think for a lot of people. All those factors. Yet, again we are being beat over the head with advice. It's like informational mayhem, making us schizo! I am up and I am down. I am happy then depressed waiting for an outcome. I am becoming exhausted with something that is the very necessity of life and really should be a beautiful thing.
Let me start to bring this to a close, I don't want to lose you and I don't think there needs to be a part two to this conversation. As there so much more that can be talked about I haven't discussed with you, but I won't so just hold on. I don't want to end on a tirade about my relationship. I think it's important to look at the beautiful things I am learning about my relationship. I am the ONLY person in MY relationship and no one can tell me how to lead it. Therefore I must figure out how I can grow old with it and look at my relationship with loving eyes and fewer worry lines or gray hairs! I mean I have been cheating. Hmm shame on me. But have I really? Yea some things I can do without, but really have I? Food. Food. Let's chat about it. It is in the essence of it all one of the most beautiful things in its own right. Wait I know I just said above I am sick of food. Well I told you I had a love/hate relationship! but back to the issue at hand. I wanna be faithful. Trust me. It deserves that. Part of renewing the fire back into the relationship is to look at it differently. Perhaps it's the creative person in me, but I have grown to love food over time more and more, but in a more evolved way. I am not overly picky, but I have found aspects about it that excite me. Working in cooking classes has encouraged it even more. I am obsessed and amazed by cooking documentaries (ask me about the ones I have watched). Talk about bringing some romance back! Looking at the food, smelling it, tasting it. Learning about all of the most incredible ways it can be made into these masterpieces is fascinating to me. I mean did you know it was art? I find myself plating my food in a certain way, taking a picture of it (i don't care what any one has to say about that) I have made it my ritual, but again that's my relationship,maybe not yours. Food is beautiful and today we have made it an enemy. This monster. I think it's time we approach beauty and the beast. We don't live in a fairytale. It's real and here to stay.
So my friend, I just wanted to say. I am trying. I am trying to work this out. I have been realizing that I need to be loved just the way I am and yet there is nothing wrong with changing for the better. I mean that's what a supportive relationship is about. But it is also about living life to the fullest. Not being just "full", stick with me here, but a full life. I have had some of my best memories around food. I can't be obsessed with living in a place of self denial all the time. It's about balance. The give and take. I love a good green juice, but I love a good burger here and there. I mean again. That is me, it may not be you. That is what I want to pass on that I am learning for myself. Everything in moderation, but not moderately living and experiencing. Live. Be conscious about the value of your health, but what use is there preserving a life that leaves you stressed out taking hours off it? Food is sustenance, it is art, it is social, it is cultural; food is a myriad of things that should not be boxed in. I mean don't we complain about that in our relationships? Don't do it to food. I am no expert and like all opinions, you do what you will with all of this. You at the end of the day have to find out what is best for YOU. We have been given body intuition, you need to start trusting it as I must. You know what is right for you and what is wrong. Like you know about a relationship. So I am just sharing my journey. It's a hard one, but worth walking through open minded and wide eyed. So when I ask you what's eating you? I hope you say it's not your food, but you are eating IT.
with Soul,
Artistic Soul
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Freedom in Detachment
The title may seem a bit odd, since 'detachment' as a word may stir up feelings of a negative connotation. Yet, it is a word that I have learned to use over a period of time in my life as an encouraging reminder to self. There used to be a saying at my old job that was taught in classes about being 'detached from the outcome'. It is a very valuable statement that I have shared with many friends and try to remember to apply to my own life. We live in a world where people hold tightly to the things they have and live as hoarders. We are afraid that if we loosen our grips this things may be taken from us. We are people who love possessing and possessions. Even the most conscious minded of us seek to hold on and possess, even if it is our selves. Yet, are we really in control of even that? We ebb and flow and change each and every day. We are often surprised by the feelings that surface, come and go and the ones that stay attached to us even when we don't want them. Our desires and wants change and evolution has found a place in our lives even though we may not be prepared. This is all out of our control. All we can do is figure out how to change with it and embrace it.
One of the most challenging times to find detachment or a letting go is in romantic relationships. The principle can be applied to any relationship you want, but we seem to be baffled and obsessed with relationships with partners. It sometimes comes upon us like a tornado and sweeps us up dropping us places we don't know. It doesn't matter if the relationship is slow building or fast, we are never prepared for what it might present. Navigating human relationships is some of the most challenging and hardest work we'll ever have. It's taking time to realize not only do we have to be accountable for understanding the many intricacies of our own lives, we now are faced with how to walk the maze of another's life when the maze seems to always change just when we think we have made it out the other side. There is no other side. The twists and turns are constant. We all love a good challenge, but what about when we feel like enough is enough; we just want it to be easy. Easy is relative. If you admire a friend's relationship and it seems like its effortless, just know that work has been had to get to that place and there will be more times as such. We live almost in segments in time. It's like a film. When we watch a movie, we see it in its entirety, but what we don't see is that it is a series of edited scenes mended together. If you were to take those scenes, each are very different and tell a different story evoking different emotions and meanings. Unlike edited scenes, our lives cannot be edited. The moment in time that we act out our experiences, they are imprinted and then gone. So what we do in those moments are important. How present we are is even more invaluable. This leads into why detachment in our relationships with partners is a lesson we have to learn in our lives. It is a lesson I am coming to learn more and more. It has been and still is very challenging. It takes practice. Some lessons in our lives are repeated and that is because they are meant to be on a loop until we get it and then we stop the incessant rotation of the same scene in that film and move on to the next. I have seen the same scene over and over and now there has been some clarity. There has been an 'ah ha' moment. We get many of those 'ah ha' moments in our lives and yet, we let them pass by as insignificant, but they are moments that we should take time to really process and look at. Those moments come in our relationships.
So back to the topic at hand. Detachment. When we enter into a relationship with someone, one of the first feelings that surface almost unconsciously is possession. This person now belongs to ME. Belongs to me to fix me, love me, heal me, praise me, change me, stay with me. Now you may read that and think " no way, that does not sound right. I don't think like that". Ummm... yes you DO. If at any time you feel a sense of unease and jealousy. If insecurity stirs up in you because of something your partner said or did and you take it personal. If you become angry, out of sorts or discontented with your partner. It comes from possession. You feel you posses that person and he/she posses you. Why? For the fact that he/she has made such a significant impact on your emotions and mental well being tells you that. It's as if we feel out of control. As I have stated we are often people by nature that hold on to what we have very tightly. We don't have to live a dysfunctional life or have a some sorted colorful story to have a fear of abandonment. We often feel abandoned in many areas of our lives.There are careers, goals, relationships, family, friends etc. that have all 'failed' us in some way and abandoned us. In relationships, we are looking for that validation that we are someone that will not be left, worthy to be loved and deserve a promise of forever in blissful happiness. I mean that is what we see in movies and want to believe right? Abandoned, unabashed love and connection. We ALL want to be loved like that. You might think I am about to bring a storm cloud and say, THAT DON'T EXIST. No. It does. But when does it exist? It exists the moment we let go and detach from feeling that we are in control of the other person. It happens when we let go of our emotions and actions being controlled by what they do and say. It happens when we stop thinking they are responsible for us and who we are or owe us something. It happens when we stop asking for permission from the other person. It happens when we stop thinking we deserve something from them. It happens when we let go of the past and the future of a 'forever' and live in the present. It happens when we let go enough to create a freedom in the relationship. It's not the old saying 'if you set them free he/she will come back to you' (or you get the point). No he/she may not. In knowing that, is where the the freedom is. It's being detached from the outcome.
Detachment is a hard lesson to learn and put into practice. We as people don't like to be uncertain about any areas of our lives. We especially don't like uncertainty in matters of the heart. Yet, life is uncertainty. There is no promise of tomorrow, there is only today and that is what you can be certain about. The only person you are in control of walking this earth with everyday is YOU and even in that, we don't know what is in store for us. I have come to a hard lesson of learning to let go of being in control in my relationships. I am still learning it. Detachment in a relationship does not mean being disconnected and without feeling. It is not being without heart. It is not withholding or conditional giving to another. It is not protecting oneself from disappointments or hurt. It is not being absent or present so that you don't hurt in the absence of another should he/she leave. It is surrendering, letting go and loosening the hold around the person enough to respect and love them in their space and trusting that your relationship will be honored in the present. In the PRESENT. Present means you can not hold someone to make up for their past (whether with or without you) nor promise the future.Again, we are ever changing as individuals and we never know if those changes will or will not include one another on this journey. Yet, if we are so blessed, we will walk on that road together for as long as it will allow till in whatever part of life the paths shall part. We always have to acknowledge that we are individuals that have to realize and be responsible for OUR OWN truths, wants, desires and happiness first and foremost, before another. We have to push ourselves to loosen our hands from the delicacies of our partners necks and allow them to breathe. In detachment, though it feels scary and uncertain, it presents us with a beautiful revelation. Freedom. All the sudden there is a an epiphany that happens, a weight off our chests. We become present with our breathe and perspective changes. We stop missing those beautiful moments with our partners to look for the next. We stop being ungrateful, impatient and judgmental. We stop expecting and start connecting. We start giving unconditionally when conditions have conditioned us to do so. We are content no matter what. We watch something special happen. The moment we let go and detach from the outcome, not only do our partners feel free to be present with you, but YOU will feel present with FREEDOM.
with Soul,
Artistic Soul
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