We are the Hidden Figures- Black People Magic on Display

Tonight I went on a date with my wife to see HIDDEN FIGURES. An inspirational true story of 3 black women who made some of the most historical impacts on the NASA program in the 60's. I was excited to see this movie. Proud to see this movie tell this story. I walked into the theater of a mostly all white audience and noticed as I sat there, I was aware of something. I felt strangely odd. I mean it was great we were all there to not only be entertained, but educated. But I felt more. I am always aware of my blackness, but I felt a bit more acutely aware. I felt there was the elephant in the room that  blackness was on display through white gaze on big screen. I thought to myself hmm, how will they react to the racism in the film? what are they thinking when they hear the word "negro".  Do I respond  out loud to parts that I want to "Uh huh and ummm yup, that's right " to? Do I have the right without sounding antagonizing. I felt silenced. I whispered to my wife on parts and silently cried, laughed where I felt safe and tensed silently where I felt myself angered. How were the other blacks  in the movie feeling? Why the HELL AM I EVEN HAVING TO HAVE THIS DIALOGUE WITH MYSELF OVER A MOVIE!?

I even felt a odd desire and wish to be alone with this movie, to be protective. To not be distracted and to be present , when it is so hard to do these days. Strange I never feel this way when I go sit in a theater to watch an mostly all white cast movie. As a matter of fact,  I never think anything of the fact  that it has become the norm. There's nothing uncomfortable. THEY are rarely uncomfortable. This was another movie of another "First black..." another history lesson on black people magic that has always been and still is, but we get approximately 2 hours and some change to let you know. Let you know that what we live everyday is not in fact a script on screen even to this day. And yet, the movie ends and life goes on while the credits roll. While the credits roll...the story of our lives. The white gaze comes and goes as it pleases, never asking permission and we never gain relief for we are always the subject. These days.. I notice more. I notice my feelings are on the surface and my hyper awareness bubbling to the top.

In this current political climate, you can't help but feel a sense of paranoia as a person of color. These are not isolated self interrogations. It can become incessant. Walking into the grocery store, the restaurant,  the club,the yoga class, the bar, the .. well you name it. It's as if you feel the room stops in slow motion and turns to look at you.. yet in reality everyone is keeping their same pace. Should that alarm me? that they are keeping their same pace. White gaze are you faking that you know? You really know what is going on right?  How can it feel normal and abnormal all at the same time. It is this unspoken thing that we are entering a shit storm for this presidency and EVERYONE watched the devil take the stand. Everyone knows that the devil is building his army and you  person of color are in the war path. Everyone knows that you are on the endangered species list. Everyone knows that indeed this is BLACK AND WHITE, because everything in the middle is collateral damage as well. White gaze you know. I know you know.

There are so many non verbal conversations happening without my knowledge. Spaces are feeling claustrophobic these days. My mind thinks on its own without consulting me. My mind sees for itself that we are sleepwalking with eyes wide open and coming into consciousness. Awakening. I am awake. I must traverse these feelings I have back and forth, to and fro till it is normal for me. I will NEVER walk into a movie theater and not be aware that I am not a Hidden Figure. I will always be black people magic trapped in a 2 hour movie script. This is not a dismal reality. This is real. There's nothing wrong with admitting that. We as people of  color will process through these feelings alot these next coming days. More than ever. Let's talk about this. We must.

with soul,
Angie

New Journey, New Transitions, New Thoughts-Newly Wed Part 1

Saturday, Nov 7, 2015-Dara Thomas and Angela Calvin, said I DO. Per  my usual pattern, I disappear for a while in writing and then come back. I keep saying I need to be more consistent. Yet, I feel like I always need to be inspired. I just need to create inspiration and relevance within myself. Well, with that aside, I can continue on and be present with you all right now. Back to what I was saying... November 7th, 2015 someone got married...

So now I am not going to go into some doting  slobbery rainbow filled story  of how we met, the love story and so on, though it's a wonderful story. I more wanted to chat about what's been my thought process through this new experience and transition in my life. It all starts with the question asked by friends, "How's married life?" I took a moment to think about that since it's a reoccurring question.  So let's talk about this. What was my answer? Nothing has changed. Now I know, hearing that statement wasn't what you really expected and nor does it sound awe inspiring and happy. Well, just hold on a minute. Let me expand a little more. Nothing has really changed because nothing has really changed in the way my relationship moves on a daily. My wife and I continue on interacting with one another as we always have. The one change there is, is the title. But, I know people want to know a little deeper. People want to know how do I feel? Has something changed or shifted? The question may not be asked consciously, but subconsciously people are wondering are things different now with the formal title of marriage. Perhaps is it better? worse? magical? what?! So let  me address my perspective on it all and how I really feel. 

I think that we as a society have placed a heavy expectation on marriage. I think that many people have different responses or preconceived notions about marriage due to our own personal experiences or social influences. I think that some of us have a negative connotation that this is the end of personal freedom and now one is bound forever on lock down. There is a fear that surfaces that one's autonomy is gone or that one's inadequacy will be revealed. Others think that this is a fix-it-all to their own personal dysfunctional narratives about being loved and healing their past that have hurtful holes in them. Maybe someone has run a string of relationships being with commitment phobes and if they can just get them to the altar then that means that suddenly the other person's phobia has disappeared. We think that marriage is a cure all magical alternate universal shift or a descent into the hell of partnered isolation. Either way, I think that we are looking at this all wrong. 

For me  I believe it is the beginning of the end when enter marriage already setting ourselves up for failure through our need to petal stool it or martyr it.  When I look at my wife, I still see the same woman. Yes, I made a special proclamation before the world that she is my one and only bound by law. It is big. Yes it is. Yet,  her face has not changed, her personality, the side of the bed she wakes up on and how we are on a daily. I think because we honor the new title, but stay present that it is only that, a title; we can confidently navigate the space ahead of us with clarity. As special as it is, we came in whole and ready. There was nothing that a marriage title could fix or replace. So because we see it this way, marriage could be freely appreciated for it's full gift rather than burdened by the expectation of what it  is not. It is not a fixer, a replacer, a space holder or anything else. It is really a gift. It is the cherry on top of affirming what is already bound and whole. 

So the next time you think about what it feels like to be married. Just think.. it is like this present moment. It simply is. With a cherry on top;)

Color and Friendship Boundaries

Race relations. It has been a  blinking fluorescent neon sign flashing that is hard to miss. It is sitting at the forefront of our minds stimulating our thoughts and pushing every conscious and non-conscious button in our bodies. It is not only pushing boundaries in our belief systems and humanity but it is revealing the characters of our fellow neighbors. Our fellow neighbors as friends and those that we added as fb "friends" because they had a mutual friend in common.  I think that many of us are facing inner turmoils as we toss over the commentaries and dialogues that are taking some of us.. no many of us by surprise.. or leaving us caught off guard. I find it interesting to come across posts of fb excommunications of people from people's friends list. Things just got real. They have been real. No they just keep getting more real.

It spurred  me to write and  express my own sentiments about these turmoils concerning friends and their perspectives on such matters as race relations. I feel I have personally felt my own challenges with this. I think I am in expectation of random people's opinions, but I have struggled with my own friends.  I have had to have the discussion with myself, a check in of sorts about the real situation of my friendships. I never expect my friends to think like me. I love them because I value being challenged to grow and being surrounded by strong opinionated cultured intellectual friendships. Yet, there are some topics in which I find myself feeling divided. I find myself feeling like there is an illusion. There is a certain illusion in which some friendships lie in the safety of a "friendship"; it is an allowance to cross boundaries in this illusion. Race relations is one that has stirred some deep feelings of contemplation for me. 

While I possess many friends of different races, I fear that the "safety" and even familiarity of these relations has misled or has created a narrow perspective into my experience and life as a black woman. I fear that with the progression of times changing towards racial harmony or acceptance and striving to be as " one"; many forget that there still is an individual struggle. It is an individual struggle that cannot be swept under the rug in generalizations or minimized with idealistic thinking. I feel that people are shrugging their shoulders in impatience with those of us that seem to appear to them  not evolved into more worldly beings of "oneness" and spiritual ascension above this world. But we live in this world. This world exists as it is. It is not an illusion. It is real with real life stories in which we must walk real life pages and narrate through. I feel the distance of strangers, but the abandonment of friends. Abandonment through the lack of empathetic understanding in the experiences of those not like them. 

I asked myself some probing questions. Have some of the people I call friends crossed boundaries consciously and unconsciously into thinking that because I am a friend of color, they can dismiss my experiences? They say in not so many ways " get over it". Do they think that I will not separate my friendship line from them to guard that which is fundamentally sacred to me as if they were a stranger? I do think that some think that some of us will not go there. But do trust me, some of us will. At the end of the day, let's keep it real. We may stand side by side as friends, but the world will judge and treat us differently in given circumstances. All friendship lines dissolve and every person is to fend for self. I think there is to be a respect and acknowledgment that though we know one another, we don't really "know" one another. We can never walk in one another's shoes. This should never be forgotten. 

For those that are dreamers, there is always room to dream, but one should never forget the present struggle that exists  in which some of us are not allowed to forget.  For the battle is not in the clouds, it is on the ground. On the ground, rooted in everyday experiences. Some of the best things you can do as a friend is to think before you speak, consider another's  story before your own story  and respect  those real "friendship" boundaries. 

Where am I?

I have felt like I need a GPS to find out where I am in my life. Have you felt like that? Do you hope that perhaps you can google your name and maybe it will give you some information on who you are and what you in the world you are doing? Yes. That's sometimes how I feel. Really I feel like I need a divine burning bush  or parting cloud to have an audible voice give me the 411.  I sit here moving forward, yet at this impasse. I often wonder how that can happen at the same time. It is as if someone knows what' up, but they are NOT letting me in on the master plan.

There is this feeling of an energetic wall. I seem to feel I have been running into it so many times. I am on this never ending loop coming back to the same space and questions, so much so that making decisions is all that more difficult. There starts to be this lack of clarity and one questions if every decision is the "right" or "wrong" one till you don't even make a decision at all. There lies an issue in this. Indecision gives birth to a ever growing problem of fear. The fear to trust intuition, fear to take risks, fear to make mistakes, fear to face disappointment, fear of not being accepted, fear of being passionate, fear of dreaming. Just FEAR. The list can go on really. I start to find more and more reasons to feel at a standstill and lost. I look at my age, my circumstances, my finances, how I compare my life to others and even other's expectations of me. I don't know how to please myself and others at the same time. I can only focus on one thing at a time! ME. I have to focus on ME. So how do I start moving? How do I get my GPS to work? How do I start navigating my way through my life  and  find my destination? Yet, really the destination changes all the time. We make them as we go it seems. We have tangible goals and mile markers. Some think about the big picture of purpose. Whatever it is for you, I am searching for my own changing never ending destinations.

I am resolute to stop watching my life as a silent movie in slow motion. Maybe this is not how others perceive my life, but I feel my life needs to have some audio and it needs to be turned up. Loudly. Everyday I find that I must find some breakthrough to get me out of the muck and mire. My feet must become unstuck. They must. I think at times I must take a step back and acknowledge the movement of the universe to continue its plans regardless if we are on board or not. The world moves and it always offers us a ride. The universal energy is waiting for us move with it. Rock with it. Dance with it. Be open to it. I sometimes see that when I put my hand and mind to labor no matter where and how, it somehow produces fruit. I may think it irrelevant and disconnected to where I think it all should be heading, but it's never disconnected. Even as I say that I may know this in my head, but it's hard to really trust this thought process. I do think that I have lacked making the best decisions in my life and here I stand. I think we get a bit too caught up in the saying
"It's OK. Don't worry. Trust you are exactly where you are supposed to be". Yes you are. In the wrong place!  I don't always think that saying is what we WANT it to mean. I don't think we are always where are supposed to be. Sometimes those"super spiritual" sayings or affirmations are a cop out and excuse to validate our complacency or mediocrity. Come on. Let's keep it real. That being said, I do not believe in punishing ourselves in self defeating thoughts or dwelling on our life decisions in both action and inaction, but I do believe we have to take a sober estimate of things and take responsibility. This is the MOST challenging of all.

So each day I am trying to take responsibility. It's frustrating, challenging, discouraging, unclear and exhausting. I say that in my honest truth. Yet, I somehow have this inner voice that says that I may not be always walking on the path, but I am not far from it. I think we take detours, but we can always find our way back on the road. If we want to. Things in our lives may have taken longer to get there. We may still be trying to get there, but each step of the way we have to realize that ALL of it is valuable. ALL of it. There will be those days where you will say "ohhhhhhhhhh i get it!" Some things are apparent in our lives now and others are not. Some things have been continuously being watered and bared fruit only now. Some things spring  up right away. Some things have yet to take root or be revealed.  It is those "ah ha" and "ohh" moments  I am humbled when I complain and am impatient. It is in those "ah ha" and "ohh" moments that I feel both foolish I did not trust and grateful my faithlessness was disproved. I want these moments to become a string of moments weaved together to form an answer,  so that when I ask where am I? I can say here I am.

Tick Tock Goes the Clock- Aging and What?

Here I am back with true form. Months later and here I am to throw a topic out there. I am very random, yet I must feel the need to write. Ok, so let me stop always giving explanations for why I have such sporadic blog entries. But I do want to put more attention into this space. I love the freedom that writing gives me to share and express what is pressing on my mind and heart. So today... what shall I bare my soul to? Age. Yes. It's about that time that I reveal that... NO. I am not 25.. or early 30s I am.... wait for it..... 40. Yes. 40. Let me just say it is quite something to tackle. This concept that somehow the 20s flew by, the 30s is an after thought and here I  am. Say what!? When did this happen?

I have never been an "ageist" at least I have never considered myself one. I didn't quite think too much about my age until my last few years of 30. I also started thinking in numerical groupings and phases. Teens, early 20-30s and then 40s.. well you don't categorize like the glass is half full you think half empty and start rounding up! 40s. 50s. 60s. OMG! That's at least how my mind works. I start thinking if  I am dressing age appropriately. I start thinking can I go out and do this or that etc  and the list can go on. Wait was I told it's time for my first mammogram? Hold on pounds are being rude and making a home all the sudden?  Horror. I am sure there are many more scenarios! I never wanted to think in regrets or what could have or should have. But I do. I am here to be honest. I think that we could use that. Let's keep it real. I think to myself " I am nowhere I thought I should be by now". "I could have done xyz had I thought about it differently back then in my 20s... 30s".  How do I deal with this? I am talking about this because I think that it should be talked about. Recently, a close friend posted in fb her feelings about approaching 40. I read through a few responses and I felt this surge of annoyance. I mean in all fairness I do believe that people had sincere responses. They felt they processed through that time with positiveness and revelation. Other people I feel wanted to feel they needed to reassure and encourage. But for me I felt like "Girl let's not shoot rainbows up your .... " I simply replied, "Let's have tea" That was my way of saying let's have some time to keep it real because I feel you!

My close friend and I met for tea. We shared this place of feeling irrelevant and unimportant. We felt like here we were well educated, multi talented and in debt to prove it and yet, unemployed and lost as to what direction to take. The feeling of a dream deferred and wasted talents. We both felt like we were overflowing with possibilities and potentials, yet looking for our exact purpose. Yet, the window of time seemed to be closing in. We also realized that true to form, most people are locked in to a societal pressure and expectation to perform, produce and arrive at a certain bench mark in life. I jokingly discussed how I should have been in a career for years, decided on my own that I wanted to recreate myself in another interest and take it on as a "career change" because I realized that I wasn't working my life's passion. Also, I have a house and retirement savings and the ability to have an expendable income to come and go as I please bound to to no 9-5. I perhaps have 2.5 kids, a significant partner and a pet. Ok well, times have changed. Perhaps you are single and happy to be a free spirit to travel the world and have a lover or two or none if you like. Whatever the scenario, trust there is a picture that someone has painted for you. Heck, there is a picture you have painted for yourself. My friend and I looked at each other and also realized we are against our will giving permission to be reminded that other people around us are living lives we wish we had on social media. That cursed double edged sword. Social Media. Yes, I know.. you have encouraging words.. "Don't compare you life to anothers, you don't know their lives" Ummm.. ok. Tell me when you haven't done it.

I think that we sometimes just want the opportunity to be the people that others are wishing they fashioned their lives after. I think some of us work hard to want to be that and portray it. It's a dirty rat race. So to really close this out. It's not an easy transition through age. There are milestones. There are changes and experiences and each person experiences them differently. I am here to call out those that have transitioned seamlessly through this time and those that feel they are struggling. Mainly  to those struggling with growing older. Yes,  some of us know mentally that it's all in the mind. I by no means feel my spirit is old, but I know that time has an affect and we have choices in what we will do with that time and how we choose to shape our perspectives.

There is no magical answer, but what I will say is stay true and real to what you are feeling is this space and in  this process and maybe it is not 40. Perhaps you are feeling a weight at another age stage of your life. Just keep it real. Accept how you are feeling. Embrace it and beware it doesn't own you. How you are feeling is real and apart of your journey. It is NOT easy to find the color of happiness in it all, but there are still blessings that are in your life. Wisdom, growth, victories, defeats, revelations and opportunities. There are always opportunities to decide how you accept the cards dealt to you. You can always play a good hand. I can't profess that I have arrived and have figured out how to stop the barrage of  self doubts and defeating thoughts, the regrets and do-over thoughts. I will say one thing is true. At some point you have to trust that this is where you are not only supposed to be, which is what you expected me to say. You are where you are because you allowed it to be so. I think we are guided, but it is our choices to keep pressing forward to meet the design that is set before us. Many of us have taken the "alternate" routes, yet we must struggle forward to get back on to the road. Not the right road. Just the road. There is still a journey to be had. Until our last breathes, let's decide what that destination will be. At the end will be a clock and its hands will tell no certain time. It will be as you see fit. Tick Tock goes the clock. So What time is it for you?

What's Eating You?

So how you feeling about your relationship? Is it healthy? Is it giving you what you need? Does it take up too much of your time? Is there not enough happening in it? Does it make you feel good about yourself and really compliment your life? Do you see a positive present and future in it? Oh??! you thought I was talking about your love life? Oh no.. I wasn't talking about that whatsoever. Good luck on that.. ahem. Let's move on. I was talking about your relationship with food. It's a long hard stressful relationship of ups and downs I have been having with food for some time. It's a relationship I can't seem to breakup with of course, but it's needing some work. Never has it been abusive to me, but we've been going out for so long that it's time to reshape and renew a healthiness back into it. Put a new life into it. I feel like it's worth that effort to work on this relationship because it's played such an important role in my life. So let's chat about this. I want to share with you some about my relationship, how I feel and what I think perhaps we could gain from this chat we are going to be having. Hopefully, we'll walk away with a new perspective without paying out anyone for some shrink time on a sticky leather couch, uncomfortably adjusting your clothing to cover your embarrassing "love affair".

Call it genetics, call it society or call it what you want, but we in America are obsessed with our appearances. Social media and the like has made it incredibly difficult to know what to do with our body images. The topic becomes more impacted when you add the 100 pound baggage we carry around with our personal lives and the many issues we are aware of and not aware of that weigh us down. Self esteem hides behind body image and body image becomes a mask in which all things dark about ourselves hide. Then try living in cities where you are inundated with body messages telling you how to have a relationship with your body and food. Or everyone now has advice upon advice on social media about how you can lose weight.  Can you believe it? Someone has the nerve to dictate how you run your relationship? The worse thing about that? you listen. You listen to almost everyone. You think you don't but let's keep it real. You listen. IF you didn't then why are you thinking about it right now and why are you eating a small salad when you want a burger or drinking diet coke instead of coke?  That's what I thought. Some people don't care. Not always a good thing, but I also give kudos for the personal mental freedom to not be bound to opinion.  But where are the plethora of articles giving advice about how to re frame your mind about eating in relation to personal body image? It's all quick fixes and trust me I like a quick fix like the next person, but it doesn't always work for everyone.  I mean there really is  a direct everyday correlation that happens and a process that happens in your decision making on how you will eat and what you will eat. We see food being paraded in front of us everyday on a billboard, a restaurant, commercials on TV that are directed at our senses. The main ones are sight and smell. But sight is the most powerful because it moves us to think. Thinking... yes. It all is very much psychological. What you think about is what you become, so why is it any different in food?

So let's talk about my struggle. Well everything I am talking about is my struggle! I have always struggled with thinking about my weight and appearance. Thinking about what I "should" look like. Funny thing is the "should" question or thought should sound familiar. We think about this when asking, "what should I be doing with my life," who should I have as a partner", "where should I be in my life right now." and so the list can go. All things are interconnected. Food is no different. the perspective and attitude we take with food, is the same for any part of our lives and they deeply affect one another. I have been the incessant googler and bothersome friend asking another what to do about shaping up and eating healthy. So let's keep it real right now. I am tired. I am sick of food. If I could get rid of it I would. I am exhausted thinking everyday about what to eat and it be "healthy". Especially when there is not as much easy access to it as the McDonalds, Jack in the Box and Albertos, Gilbertos, Juanbertos,  you just passed within the last 4 blocks. Not that I want to eat all that .  But you get my point. What is the problem? Well there are many. Let me first start by saying, something I am learning is that the first approach to gaining a healthy relationship back and shaping up is not because you want to look good, but feel good as in being healthy. Like a relationship, losing weight is a band aid. You fight and make up, but only apologize on the surface, you still blame the person, but never work on the core reasons why you are disagreeing in the first place! so it comes back and maybe the same issue or in the form of another. So  just aesthetically taking care of your body isn't enough. What happened to the psychological affects and reasons behind WHY you are trying lose weight? where has that gone? They are there.

So back to my issues, sorry I was sharing with you wasn't I? I won't keep talking I promise. But  my main struggle has been trying to be healthy while of course looking better. I mean come on I am a real person. Why would I not want both? Again first should be feeling better by being healthier and the in return we'll look better. It's a win win situation.  The healthy part is by far the hardest part of all. What is the definition of healthy according to who?  It is hard when you are sorting through opinions and trying to figure out what is best for you. Let's get this straight. One size does NOT fit all when it comes to healthy eating and weight loss.  One has to take into account personal health, genetics, culture, economics and geography to name a few. There within lies the issue for me and I think for a lot of people. All those factors. Yet, again we are being beat over the head with advice. It's like informational mayhem, making us schizo! I am up and I am down. I am happy then depressed waiting for an outcome. I am becoming exhausted with something that is the very necessity of life and really should be a beautiful thing.

Let me start to bring this to a close, I don't want to lose you and I don't think there needs to be a part two to this conversation. As there so much more that can be talked about I haven't discussed with you, but I won't so just hold on. I don't want to end on a tirade about my relationship. I think it's important to look at the beautiful things I am learning about my relationship. I am the ONLY person in MY relationship and no one can tell me how to lead it. Therefore I must figure out how I can grow old with it and look at my relationship with loving eyes and fewer worry lines or gray hairs! I mean I have been cheating. Hmm shame on me. But have I really? Yea some things I can do without, but really have I? Food. Food. Let's chat about it. It is in the essence of it all one of the most beautiful things in its own right. Wait I know I just said  above I am sick of food. Well I told you I had a love/hate relationship! but back to the issue at hand.   I wanna be faithful. Trust me. It deserves that. Part of renewing the fire back into the relationship is to look at it differently. Perhaps it's the creative person in me, but I have grown to love food over time more and more, but in a more evolved way. I am not overly picky, but I have found aspects about it that excite me. Working in cooking classes has encouraged it even more. I am obsessed and amazed by cooking documentaries (ask me about the ones I have watched). Talk about bringing some romance back! Looking at the food, smelling it, tasting it. Learning about all of the most incredible ways it can be made into these masterpieces is fascinating to me. I mean did you know it was art? I find myself  plating my food in a certain way, taking a picture of it (i don't care what any one has to say about that) I have made it my ritual, but again that's my relationship,maybe not yours. Food is beautiful and today we have made it an enemy. This monster. I think it's time we approach beauty and the beast. We don't live in a fairytale. It's real and here to stay.

So my friend,  I just wanted to say. I am trying. I am trying to work this out. I have been realizing that I need to be loved just the way I am and yet there is nothing wrong with changing for the better. I mean that's what a supportive relationship is about. But it is also about living life to the fullest. Not being just "full", stick with me here, but a full life. I have had some of my best memories around food.  I can't be obsessed with living in a place of self denial all the time. It's about balance. The give and take. I love a good green  juice, but I love a good burger here and there. I mean again. That is me, it may not be you. That is what I want to pass on that I am learning for myself. Everything in moderation, but not moderately living and experiencing. Live. Be conscious about the value of your health, but what use is there preserving a life that leaves you stressed out taking hours off it? Food is sustenance, it is art, it is social, it is cultural; food is a myriad of things that should not be boxed in. I mean don't we complain about that in our relationships? Don't do it to food. I am no expert and like all opinions, you do what you will with all of this. You at the end of the day have to find out what is best for YOU. We have been given body intuition, you need to start trusting it as I must. You know what is right for you and what is wrong. Like you know about a relationship. So I am just sharing my journey. It's a hard one, but worth walking through open minded and wide eyed. So when I ask you what's eating you? I hope you say it's not your food, but you are eating IT.

with Soul,

Artistic Soul

Freedom in Detachment

The title may seem a bit odd, since 'detachment' as a word may stir up feelings of a negative connotation. Yet, it is a word that I have learned to use over a period of time in my life as an encouraging reminder to self. There used to be a saying at my old job that was taught in classes about being 'detached from the outcome'. It is a very valuable statement that I have shared with many friends and try to remember to apply to my own life. We live in a world where people hold tightly to the things they have and live as hoarders. We are afraid that if we loosen our grips this things may be taken from us. We are people who love possessing and possessions. Even the most conscious minded of us seek to hold on and possess, even if it is our selves. Yet, are we really in control of even that? We ebb and flow and change each and every day. We are often surprised by the feelings that surface, come and go and the ones that stay attached to us even when we don't want them. Our desires and wants change and evolution has found a place in our lives even though we may not be prepared. This is all out of our control. All we can do is figure out how to change with it and embrace it.

One of the most challenging times to find detachment or a letting go is in romantic relationships. The principle can be applied to any relationship you want, but we seem to be baffled and obsessed with relationships with partners. It sometimes comes upon us like a tornado and sweeps us up dropping us places we don't know. It doesn't matter if the relationship is slow building or fast, we are never prepared for what it might present. Navigating human relationships is some of the most challenging and hardest work we'll ever have. It's taking time to realize not only do we have to be accountable for understanding the many intricacies of our own lives, we now are faced with how to walk the maze of another's life when the maze seems to always change just when we think we have made it out the other side. There is no other side. The twists and turns are constant. We all love a good challenge, but what about when we feel like enough is enough; we just want it to be easy. Easy is relative. If you admire a friend's relationship and it seems like its effortless, just know that work has been had to get to that place and there will be more times as such. We live almost in segments in time. It's like a film. When we watch a movie, we see it in its entirety, but what we don't see is that it is a series of edited scenes  mended together. If you were to take those scenes, each are very different and tell a different story evoking different emotions and meanings. Unlike edited scenes, our lives cannot be edited. The moment in time that we act out our experiences, they are imprinted and then gone. So what we do in those moments are important. How present we are is even more invaluable. This leads into why detachment in our relationships with partners is a lesson we have to learn in our lives. It is a lesson I am coming to learn more and more. It has been and still is very challenging. It takes practice.  Some lessons in our lives are repeated and that is because they are meant to be on a loop until we get it and then we stop the incessant rotation of the same scene in that film and move on to the next. I have seen the same scene over and over and now there has been some clarity. There has been an 'ah ha' moment. We get many of those 'ah ha' moments in our lives and yet, we let them pass by as insignificant, but they are moments that we should take time to really process and look at. Those moments come in our relationships. 

So back to the topic at hand. Detachment. When we enter into a relationship with someone, one of the first feelings that surface almost unconsciously is possession. This person now belongs to ME.  Belongs to me to fix me, love me, heal me, praise me, change me, stay with me. Now you may read that and think " no way, that does not sound right. I don't think like that". Ummm... yes you DO. If at any time you feel a sense of unease and jealousy. If insecurity stirs up in you because of something your partner said or did and you take it personal. If you become angry,  out of sorts or discontented with your partner. It comes from possession. You feel you posses that person and he/she posses you. Why? For the fact that he/she has made such  a significant impact on your emotions and mental well being tells you that. It's as if we feel out of control. As I have stated we are often people by nature that hold on to what we have very tightly. We don't have to live a dysfunctional life or have a some sorted colorful story to have a fear of abandonment. We often feel abandoned in many areas of our lives.There are careers, goals, relationships, family, friends etc. that have all 'failed' us in some way and abandoned us. In relationships, we are looking for that validation that we are someone that will not be left, worthy to be loved and deserve a promise of forever in blissful happiness. I mean that is what we see in movies and want to believe right? Abandoned, unabashed love and connection. We ALL want to be loved like that. You might think I am about to bring a storm cloud and say, THAT DON'T EXIST. No. It does. But when does it exist? It exists the moment we let go and detach from feeling that we are in control of the other person. It happens when we let go of our emotions and actions being controlled by what they do and say.  It happens when we stop thinking they are responsible for us and who we are or owe us something. It happens when we stop asking for permission from the other person. It happens when we stop thinking we deserve something from them. It happens when we let go of the past and the future of a 'forever' and live in the present. It happens when we let go enough to create a freedom in the relationship. It's not the old saying 'if you set them free he/she will come back to you' (or you get the point). No he/she may not. In knowing that, is where the the freedom is. It's being detached from the outcome. 

Detachment is a hard lesson to learn and put into practice. We as people don't like to be uncertain about any areas of our lives. We especially don't like uncertainty in matters of the heart. Yet, life is uncertainty. There is no promise of tomorrow, there is only today and that is what you can be certain about. The only person you are in control of walking this earth with everyday is YOU and even in that, we don't know what is in store for us. I have come to a hard lesson of learning to let go of being in control in my relationships. I am still learning it. Detachment in a relationship does not mean being disconnected and without feeling. It is not being without heart. It is not withholding or conditional giving to another. It is not protecting oneself from disappointments or hurt. It is not being absent or present so that you don't hurt in the absence of another should he/she leave. It is surrendering, letting go and loosening the hold around the person enough to respect and love them in their space and trusting that your relationship will be honored in the present. In the PRESENT. Present means you can not hold someone to make up for their past  (whether with or without you) nor promise the future.Again, we are ever changing as individuals and we never know if those changes will or will not include one another on this journey. Yet, if we are so blessed, we will walk on that road together for as long as it will allow till in whatever part of life the paths shall part. We always have to acknowledge that we are individuals that have to realize and be responsible for OUR OWN truths, wants, desires and happiness first and foremost, before another.  We have to push ourselves to loosen our hands from the delicacies of our partners necks and allow them to breathe. In detachment, though it feels scary and uncertain, it presents us with a beautiful revelation. Freedom. All the sudden there is a an epiphany that happens, a weight off our chests. We become present with our breathe and perspective changes. We stop missing those beautiful moments with our partners to look  for the next. We stop being ungrateful, impatient and judgmental. We stop expecting and start connecting. We start giving unconditionally when conditions have conditioned us to do so. We are content no matter what. We watch something special happen. The moment we let go and detach from the outcome, not only do our partners feel free to be present with you, but YOU will feel present with FREEDOM. 

with Soul, 

Artistic Soul

The Uprise: Like Minded Souls In A Creative Coup

I know my title seems a bit interesting and you may wonder what I am going to write about. Well, let me share with you exactly where I am going with this. As, I am on my own personal search for my voice and creative expression in this time, I am noticing a certain movement that is happening. This is at least my personal opinion, though  I have found others that agree. I am not a political person really nor do I profess to have extensive knowledge about our system in the U.S., but I do feel conscious and connected to the changes that have been taking place. One doesn't have to always know the details to see the overall big picture of something. Sometimes we get too much in the details of things. There are bigger things beyond us at work and for many of us that are connected in a conscious or spiritual way, we feel the shifts that are creating a major impact all around us and in our personal lives. These shifts are happening in many different areas, but I particularly am taking notice in one area that affects me and others around me. 

The economy, taking a dive and causing unemployment at alarming rates has interestingly enough created a silver lining that has found its way into a expanding rainbow. Those that have been forced out of work and those disgruntled with the redundant bore of making the all mighty dollar at the Company A are awakening. They are stirring.. thus the beginning of the uprise. People are realizing that even though they feel enslaved by the system, they are finding new freedom in being their own money maker. Independence has taken on a new form. People are being forced to be creative and inventive. Entrepreneurship is not a novice concept, but what is, is the fact that people are unifying. Thus the beginning of the coup. Sometimes we think that being our own bosses means a very selfish means to obtain as much as we can for ourselves. We think that it means to each their own. On the contrary, there is a powerful and exciting movement happening. Like minded souls are finding one another. There is almost this barter system and exchange of talents. There is a realization that there are power in numbers and that each person in our circle has something different to contribute. I roam around in the creative world of dancers, artists, musicians and the like. I tend to notice it most here. Not to leave out anyone or other professions, but I think that this has been the most beautiful and inspiring shift. Unfortunately, as amazing as it is to see the contribution of the arts to our world, sometimes those in these professions are some of the most understated and unpaid for what they give and can offer.  

We know the saying well of the "starving artist". There is most definitely truth to it. Yet, again there is something rising from deep within and a light has gone off. Eyes are open to the fact that opportunity is but a person away. We are helping one another to network, creating collaborations in business endeavors and co creating dreams. We have heard of home flipping, but those around us are dream flipping. They are taking those 8-5 jobs run by Jo Schmo and using them as a rung on the steps to their personal dream and aspirations. They have realized that they are no longer filling the pockets and dreams of the fat cats, but cashing out, walking out and closing the door behind them. Risks taking is no longer a fear, but people are taking leaps off ledges of restlessness and discontentment into the clear waters of personal dreams realized. 

I am watching my friends and even strangers that I cross paths with take leaps. I am in awe watching them and inspired. I am biting at the bit to be apart of this coup. I have stood on the sidelines long enough while the war rages around me and enough is enough. I want to be apart of the battle. The battle for personal freedom. The rights to our dreams and happiness. I chose the creative world, but you can apply this to whatever you want. If you feel this resonates with you, then welcome. It is an exciting time. By all means it has not been easy. I have felt wounded more than I would like, but still healing comes and I am back in the fight again. It takes time and patience sometimes to see things come to fruition, but what it doe not take is complacency and idleness. I am realizing we must take every means to labor. The enemy never sleeps and nor should we. Our enemy can be whatever we fathom it to be in our lives. Is it YOU, fear, laziness, people, negativity and the list can go on. I am reminded everyday that I am missing my victories. Let us all not miss our victories and be on the sidelines. Join the Up Rise....

With Soul, 

Artistic Soul

Connections

I have been silent I know for quite a bit of time. I wanna feel this sense of guilt and neglect in being inconsistent in writing my voice and thoughts. Yet how do you feel guilty over something that is an inspired moment in time to say something..... should it be forced? Yet life steals moments in which one always says " I just don't have this extra time for this or this is not a priority right now. Lazy hands make thoughts idle and left wanting... I been wanting and yet now I trust the universe's moment for me to speak. I been also knowing that as we have heard before.. life just does not just happen by itself, we have to show up. Universe moves.. we listen and then we must put our hands to labor and bring into fruition. Manifesting must be made into materialization in which we touch in reality. So that being said I have been trying to put myself in practice of listening when I feel something speaking in me and instead of saying.. "oh that would be a good topic, I will do it later.." I say no... I will sit down and do it right now. Listen and act. This is one of those moments.

Connections... where do we start. This can go so many places, yet I think this is about soul connections with people in our lives. I have really been thinking about this lately. I feel like right now and as it has been, there is a universal shift of constant transitions. My last blog was about transitions. It continues. As we shift  and energy shifts so do people in our lives. For myself I have felt not only is there a life shift in many areas, I feel like I am being prepared. Not only for where it is going, but for the people that will cross my path. The unknown anticipation. Yet, something I am learning is that it is not just about the future of those to come, but about the past as well. The universe has an interesting way of weaving people in and out of your life at the most opportune times for some reason in which you have no idea why. Yet, you welcome it with open arms because for whatever reason it resonates with you. The universe simply asks us to be present.

 I have been learning that there is patience and openness in understanding we are constantly shedding skin and becoming new people. Though some things seem to stay the same whether viewed good or bad, our experiences and spaces in our lives are always in evolution. Our perspectives, thoughts, experiences, desires, wants, knowledge, self awareness and the list can go on, allow us to see only what we CAN see at THAT POINT in time. We sometimes look back and think or wish something could have been different. But is that necessarily true? I believe we have to trust that we were in that time who we were supposed to be and we could only work within those parameters of what we perceived to be our truth.  Now the new lesson that has come to me is.. am I really present when I am with someone in my life  no matter what capacity that is? partner, friend, sibling, parent. Do we often find ourselves questioning our interactions with people and feeling with certain people like there is a lack of closure perhaps from the past. Why is this? What is missing for us that we all of the the sudden seem to see it now? 

The feelings are often regret.. but there is no need to feel regret. In some instances this is where it is supposed to be. Still it can be a catalyst to think about how present we are with people. Are we really SEEING them and embracing them or are we so busy trying to get to the next destination of labels of them in our lives. Are we seeing roles in our lives that we neatly package up and mark "lesson" "experience" "memory" "encounter". We fix them up so that they neatly make sense in our lives at the time, but maybe they are not supposed to. When you truly SEE someone, they don't "fit", they connect. Some connect briefly, some connect for a long time, some for life, some disconnect and reconnect.. but they are always connected. They don't connect the way you want, they connect the way the universe wants. If it was up to us we'd make a mess of things. People evolve us..it is the sure mirror of growth. We are pushed out of our boundaries and forced to trust the unknown territory of emotions and change as no two people are alike. Every connection is valid and purposeful even those that hurt or are uncomfortable for us. We must be present. Being present allows us to see what things give to us a life source of knowledge and soul wisdom. This comes in all forms and  in ways we least expect. Don't be quick to dismiss them. I am not one to act as if this is something I have come to master in my life. The hurtful ones I always think are dismissive... but they are just as valuable. I must work around the thorns that do serve their purpose, so that I can eventually get to the rose. Then I am blessed with beauty...

All are valuable.. and some truly move you deeply. Listen to those ones. They are special. There is a message waiting with them that even they don't know they have for you. It's remarkable. I recognize them. My soul recognizes them. I do not understand it and yet I know just enough to know that it resonates with me. They come to me with an uncanny ease. It just "clicks". We think this sometimes is not possible, but it does exist. Some are present in our everyday lives, some come and go or are infrequent, but they are unmistakable. Never do I ever try to remove them from where they are to be in my life. They are in it the way they are for a reason. Our greatest ruin is the arrogance of control. Let the grip go. Let it flow. If we are in tune and present, our souls know what to do with them. 

I feel grateful to have had a connect today with a connection that has been in and out of my life, yet always there in their own way. This person inspired these thoughts I share with you. I was triggered by a comment that this person said "I feel like we missed each other sometimes or at least I missed seeing you, For you. Wish i'd had better perspective on that in the moment"  I really sat with that when that was said to me, hit me and got me to really thinking deeply. That was a great reflective moment for me and I don't regret one moment of our connection and how it has unfolded. It was timely as it was supposed to be. Regardless if really SEEING that person in your life could or could not have changed anything in that course of time, still, do we SEE them. Are we embracing them fully in that moment or moments and being present. It's nothing to be discouraged about or again be regrettable about; perhaps we simply weren't ready at that time to see it.  But like universal divine timing, when we open ourselves up to be present and be a receptacle, then we will receive. We have to simply trust that we have been hooked up at the right time with the right connections....

 With soul,

Artistic Soul

Transitions

-"WE ARE IN POWERFUL TIMES of transition and transformation. This week, in particular, supplies the planetary alignments that can help us release old limitations and more fully integrate higher vibrational aspects of Self into this human vessel. "
-"Relationships of all descriptions have been tested and transformed, some remaining intact in new form, others being released through psychic or physical partings. Financial situations, another Venus theme, have fluctuated widely for many as we've learned new ways to open to receive, both from ourselves and from the world, as a reflection of our self-value."

Younghans, Pam. Northpoint Astrology Journal, 2011, http://www.northpointastrology.com/1533.html

This word TRANSITION has become a blaring red flashing sign in my peripheral vision. I acknowledge that many of my friends are feeling this shift. It's something that can't be ignored as it makes me ponder this constant resurfacing of this word. I found some confirmation of this when I recently attended a close friend's solo art show and it was entitled "Transitions". Ok how convenient is that? I started to think there must be something to this. Ironically enough, as evident as it was written in bolded print, I failed to see it in my life. A recent conversation with a friend, who listed all the changes in my life that made me stop and think and yet I was still a bit clueless. To make it get even better, I know I have found myself expressing the word transition clothed in a different name called " changes" quite a few times, but still found myself with a disconnect. It was like my mind was aware I was going through changes both in mental and physical manifestations, but my true awareness and connection was lagging behind. How often do we find ourselves so disconnected that we just get used to hearing the same things roll of our tongues but there is no real realization, meaning or intention in the words. How often do we have conversations perhaps with friends in which the question may go something like this " How are things going? " , the response, " I am doing good, you know alot of changes... " you may say this quite a few more times. But do we really get it?

In that conversation with a friend who was listing all "my changes", I found myself unsure how to respond. She had wrapped it all up so pretty with a bow. She was more connected, insightful and enthusiastic in these " transitions" of my life than I was. I sat there thinking " wow have I just missed out on something monumental? We often roam through our everyday looking for some grandiose affirmation of our value as people and look for the warm fuzzy feelings of accomplishments. We sometimes think that our greatest victories and rewards of happiness come from our preconceived ideas of how they should appear. We fail to see that sometimes they are the most simplest of transitions that have the greatest value or impact and are part of the greater whole in our ever changing journey. The sum of all parts do equal a whole. These changes have taken a backseat.  We tend to like change to be as harmless as possible. We like no dirty messes and the least amount of casualties involved, that including ourselves and others. Many of us don't know how to accept, acknowledge and embrace change. We are people that like the predictable often times so that we can prepare ourselves with layers of protective armor. For myself I had to realize that "transition" can wear many hats and come in many different forms and none are less of value in contribution to our lives than the other. Sometimes it is pleasant, sometimes it is invasive and abrupt. Sometimes it is subtle and non intrusive and other times it is daunting and yet unassumingly revealing.

The northpoint astrology journal was another confirming revelation that "transitions" are happening and they are leading to "transformations". This is why it is important to pay close attention. We don't want to miss this universal occurrence. These times can become inspiring mile markers of our lives to help us feel encouraged of our constant movement and evolution, even when we don't see it or understand it.  We can get so bogged down in our daily lives with what we have not accomplished, where we have not arrived, how we have not changed, that we miss the one grain of sand that multiply to make up the beach. I say this with a startling revelation that I am missing the joy of the journey as compared to the destination. I mentally have seen the shifts and changes, but I consciously have not connected with my heart. My own personal experience has awaken me to stop and think. I don't think I have completely arrived in fully getting it, but I am putting it together like a puzzle. I am unsure how it all has eluded me. Major happenings have occurred in my life. I went from unemployment to a new job, displacement from one home to finding one in perfect timing, finding new direction creatively and opening my world to new options of relationships and people. To name a few.. who knows what other things are occurring that I have missed. I think that we have to question how other people can see the significant changes and growth in our lives before we do?

We have to be careful of becoming desensitized to our own progression. This is a dangerous game that is like an addiction that only leaves us with a bad trip, making us feign for more. The result? nothing.. just an addiction. We look for all the wrong things that can create a quick high to fill us up. Our high is natural. It is always there in ourselves. It is perspective. Do we see transition in our lives or do we "SEE" transitions in our lives. We must throw off the blinders and limitations and open our eyes. They are waiting to take us to another level. It is our precursor to the continuous desire of the universe to give us great things. These times are coaching us and giving us nice pats on the back of our self esteem, preparing us to be open to receive. When things become sudden, we suddenly realize that we have been moving through transitions small and large all along and it is time for us to get on this ride and buckle in.

With soul,

Artistic Soul



       

The Waiting Game

Here I am!!!!!! My apologies as always for staying away for so long. I repeatedly tell myself I must get better at this. Life and the sheer white wall of thoughts that sit on you trying to think about what can be written about next. Let me share that one thing I do not like to do is write just to write. I do take great care and thought to make sure I share in my writing something to move you, stir you, interest you, provoke you, encourage and whateveresle I would want to read myself. Empty words are empty unmoved minds. So with that being said I feel that perhaps the best way to reintroduce myself back into your minds and hearts is to share some personal life with you and current transition I have embarked upon....

NEWFLASH- Sept 30, 2011 - Angela M. Calvin was without forewarning termintated from her job of 7 years. Reasons vaguely stated and truly unknown. She packed her things and walked out to the unknown. Some perhaps reassurance was that maybe a little unemployment would assist. To her surprise she was denied. What!!!!!??? how did this happen and why after so many years?! was this the thanks I get?! yes... there ensued many moments of $&#!@ expletives expressed. Needless to say the case was fought and unemployment won, but not before the weighted fear of the "unknown" and incessant nagging of bittneress and anger pushed to set in.

Have some of us at some point been here? The shock of the unknown being thrusted into our laps without our consent? The feeling that we have so mapped out our lives that when the curve on the road forces us to take a sharp turn in a different direction we curse and throw our fists in anger that we now are on the wrong course.... but are we? Do we sit in some spaces feeling wronged on the side of the road feeling we "deserve" better than we have perhaps been treated by people, employers, family etc. you fill in the blank. Deserve what? What is it that we deserve when many of us don't know what that is? How many of us are in a place in our lives that we feel we should be given more in a place that fails to see that we are worth more. If they don't see it, then what are we expecting? We don't even see it in ourselves. The best thing that one who has dismissed you is to DIMISS you. It freed you...... consider it a FAVOR.

You can apply this story in whatever aspect you like as a principle. You can apply it in Love, Career, Family, Friends and whatever sub catergories your mind can phathom. My angle I am coming from is the impending question of how to be happy with a purpose in which to use our talents. I have in this time of "purgatory" felt a shift in the universal energy. People are realizing that they want to be happy with how they earn a living and live life. Then again perhaps I am just late on the jump and missed this epiphany that many have had for quite some time. Regardless, this has been a long time coming for me to come to realization of this perspective. I must admit this is a place of fear and holding to old ways of established thinking that has to be undone. It is a place that many people have come to live; in a world that has trained us to work for "someonelse" and not for ourselves or to work to make another happy and not ourselves. When did we start believing that someonelses happiness and personal wealth was more valuable than our own? When did we leave the content of our character and worth of our talents to the interpretation of a stranger? I would be safe to say that the reflecting mirror we should be looking in would express to us that those who employ us are simply lucky to "borrow" our gifts to be contributed to their well being and success. We forget that many a companies' successes are built on the backs of those that do the "grunt" work to those that manage an army. When we realize this, how do we maximize our potential and contribution where we are in companies or to move on to self employ ourselves... this is the underlined question. How do you best serve YOU?

YOU , yes YOU.... It's unfortunate that those of us in the US market have been conditioned to build another's kingdom. Let me say that there is nothing wrong with being apart of the team, but are you getting valid playing time on the court and getting a fat paycheck in the end? I have to say I was one that for many years enslaved myself to another's kingdom. I believe that we all have to pay our dues. We all may need to toss the slop around, but at what point do we start to recognize that perhaps we have evolved to be more. Experience is experience, but Expertise is expertise. Many of us need to realize we can get to the point of EXPERTISE in whatever that may be for you. I spent so long timidly asking for what I wanted instead of demanding. Demanding not in disrespect, but in respect of self. I realized I just should have donated my time. Yet let me not discount the time spent in this space. I have to say that a person in touch with self will realize that in any condition there is personal growth. The issue is that many of us stay beyond the lesson and end up sitting in class alone while others moved on to the next period. DING THE BELL RANG!!!!!!!!!!! MOVE ON!

Moving on... how do you move on when you feel you weren't ready! well... you think you were not, but universe would say different. Even if you don't believe that there is a higher being or the "universe" to move you along, realize that another's actions you deem as unfair is a move in the right direction for you. There is a larger picture you simply don't see. Every action has a reaction of other domino affects. Let me say it is easy to say all this but much harder to believe when you are sitting in front of a pile of bills, annoying credit card calls, a near empty fridge and an on "E" tank of gas. Suddenly, the tangibility of reality sets in as opposed to the ethereal belief of the universal law working in your favor. But have no fear, though I can't give you an answer as I still sit here confused as to how this will all work out. The thought that WOW! maybe I can actually use the degeree I worked for in which, the loan companies are hounding me for payback that I keep derferring. What a concept. What I can offer is ... I am with you and you are not alone.

Not alone is what I have felt despite being in a place I have never been and dreaded being. I am a person of stability. I always envied and still do of the people that take off to a foreign country with $10 in their pockets and teach english earning their living in the back jungle tribal villages of whyyouherewithmypeopleandwillnotleave. My humor sorry, but you get what I am saying. I can honestly say that though I feel like I am in a "catch 22" of needing to find a "JOB" as opposed to finding my "CAREER" to provide for myself as soon as possible, I feel a certain sense of peace and happiness. Somtimes the greatest happiness is not in the "KNOWN" or the stability of a situation, but the instability of not being in control that gives you control. It's the control to finding you and steering your life according to where you want to go, not have to go. I think there are times we need to be still. Sit still and enjoy. We may not be able to sit there forever, but we can indulge ourselves a bit. We need to be patient with trusting that there is a resolution. Fear is not the boss of us but we have fired it for a better candidate of hope. I can't say I have mastered this but I am not slave any longer to the option of being stagnant and undervalued. I do feel that I have a new battle as fear wants to creep into my new journey.

A new journey is what I am on. A new journey is what you can be on. There is an excitement in the notion of "possibility". Is there a possiblity that you can truly be happy in using your talents for your own personal wealth? I have no idea what direction to go.. where to start, but for now I am hanging on to the notion of "possibility". All that one can do is work. Labor in love and think into fruition your true reality of what you want. It's the freedom to realize that you can get there during this time of the Waiting Game....

with soul,

Artistic Soul

Creating Our Own Boundaries

We often shun constant repeated lessons in our lives fearing that we never seem to come to a point of clarity. Each time we seem to find something different with perhaps the same underlined theme. I am one of those that have had the same repeated lessons in partner relationships and as frustrating as it may be, there is some satisfactory joy in the epiphany of some revelation to create change. The latest revelation was I have found that I allow the other person create personal boundaries for me.

Many times we enter relationships thinking that we are clear on the boundaries we will set with a person. As feelings become more involved, "compromising" for the sake of the relationship is indeed compromising but not in the healthy intention of creating unity but the demise of one's personal boundaries of emotions, values and beliefs. During the evolution of the relationship taking place, there comes a point where there may be a rise of the dominant personality. There is the one partner that seems to become the crux in which the direction the relationship may take. The passive partner believes they are holding true to their values, beliefs, wants and desires. Unbeknown to one's self you then realize that you have been swindled by your own self. The other person proceeds to navigate through the relationship without any accountability for their behaviors, their words, their actions and feelings . They remain true to what they feel as themselves as you begin to bend, twist, cut, contort yourself to fit, not the JOINT relationship.. but THEIR relationship. This.. This is exactly what it has become. THEIRS, not "OUR".

These type of relationships can become detrimental to some of us and tricky. We are convinced that we are being cooperative or avoiding uncertain "drama" . In reality we can become so desperate to create a "relationship" that we are willing to accept the terms of another without consulting our true selves as to what is it that we truly want. There may even be times we clearly see that something is not beneficial for us and may even create and uncomfortable feeling for us. Everything in us is screaming at us to listen to our intuition, but we ignore it with an ignorant bliss. We then open our eyes and realize that we have perhaps waded too deep in the waters of disillusionment. So how do we resolve this matter?

We must hold true to our boundaries. There is no magical answer. It's simply a decision. We often compromise out of fear. Fear that the other person will not accept our boundaries, which is in fact a personal respect and value for self. The value of knowing that your boundaries are just as important as the other person's. We fear the person may abandon us and so we deem them of greater importance than ourselves in the contribution and foundation of the relationship. There has to come a time when we stop asking ourselves: "how did I get in this? " or blaming the other person for the state of our unhappiness. Fact of the matter is no one can make you be anywhere or do anything that we don't give permission to. We can't base our decisions hanging on the words and actions of another. I am not saying compromising and reevaluating perhaps some more strict boundaries are wrong, as two people should be assessing what is in the best interest of a relationship that is comfortable for the BOTH. The issue is when the best interest is in the interest of one person.

This is MY personal belief, that when you meet the right person to be your companion they will not ask, imply, manipulate, telepathically or by any other means expect you to compromise your boundaries. YOU will not feel the need to expect that of yourself as well. There will be in existence a harmony and reassurance that the relationship is built within the endless boundaries of happy possibilities.

With Soul,

Artistic Soul

Our Control or Beyond it

"Everything happens for a reason"..." There is a plan".."you make your own destiny"..."you are in control" Some phrases that we may hear or thoughts we think and I have stopped to wonder do we realize or ever feel that they seem contrary to one another. I find that it can feel a bit confusing to know how to work with the idea of both being in control and out of control all at the same time. Life presents us with situations in which they can be deemed as good or bad in which even those terms are up for interpretation. Sometimes when we are searching for answers in perhaps our darkest times we feel at a loss. Not knowing if it is us that has created a situation or outcome or we are at the mercy of fate... the universe.. a divine being you believe in or whatever the case may be, but what is the "truth"? what is the "reality"?

There is the reality that we do make our own decisions in life and we choose paths and options that we hold responsibility for. It becomes quite the conundrum or quandary when things don't go as we may think they would or want and we ask ourselves what happened? Did we call this to ourselves as we designed or was there a greater hand at work than us? Even in saying did we call this to ourselves when things are not as we wanted may not make much sense to us, but sometimes we don't realize that beyond our conscious scope, what we REALLY wanted is what came to us. There lies the debate of was that our doing or a greater force at work. Does this start to paint a even more confusing picture for you yet? I don't have an answer to that really. As always my blogs are to create thought and stimulate the ability to ask yourself these questions in which to delve deeper into self. There is always something to ponder in our lives in which moves us to personal growth. This is just one more thing. A very important thing to think about. It has a profound impact on how we navigate through our lives. It tests the core of our most primal natures, intuition, trust and faith in ourselves and the force that moves us that we live with and among everyday. My sneaky suspicion is that both are in work with one another.

If this is true then what can be done to make these concepts as one in our own minds and lives. Often what the challenge is in our lives is that we are divided in thought. We also are creatures in our nature that need and want to be in control. We as individuals find it hard to think that our decisions and eventual outcomes are part of some great energy or determined plan already set for us. So then what do we say about this concept of : are we in control or or not in control? We then have to think about are we players in the game or not? Are we the character or controlling the joystick. There is this this rethinking of all the authors and gurus that encourage us to have visualization of what we want from the Universe. Churches preach faith, "ask and it shall be given to you". What do we do with that? These are all action motivated stimulators implying we have the control to make something happen in our lives. We can become convinced that things are within our control. Then, one day that job you applied for doesn't pan out or that relationship you so thought would work, ends and you hear so often this recycled phrase " if it's meant to be then it's meant to be.." I find that a paradoxical phrase in itself. Everything and anything can come under interpretation, even dependent on who the hearer is. That phrase is a loaded gun, in which one can believe that the meaning implies at some point there is a predestination that determines the outcome of a situation. You just don't know if YOUR "meant to be" is what you want or not and when it's coming. When I say depends on who the hearer is, I mean that say healthy positive perspective of a person may think " well this could mean this may or may not happen and I am good with that." Another person struggling with the outcome of a situation or waiting on one, may have a false hope. They start to think : oh there is a possibility". They live in that "possbility" as a their "present" and not the reality of " now",the present. Still confused?

There is no set answer as to each is their own thoughts on this.. I am just expressing my own questions and thoughts. I pose the question of is there a possibility that our paths are set but we do have the free will to make decisions and the ones we make are but slight detours along the way to a final destination? What destination is another question in which need not to be delved into at this time. I find there is a certain anxiety in this discussion. You wonder.. "Am I making the best decisions for my life and am I on the "right" track" . We'd like to almost take solace perhaps in the fact that some things are just gonna "work out" for the best by another force's will and design and that in the end we won't have to really think or worry about it at all. In reality that is where I believe we should and would want to all be... The feeling of utter trust that our lives are somehow working themselves out. We all tend to incessantly live in our heads. As my friend says "play the game" we love the drama and entertain it. We stay in constant confusion and even when we feel we have found an answer to making these two worlds of control and lack thereof co exist, we still wonder " is this right? " or we are never satisfied with the answer! Perhaps we will never truly know. There is bliss in surrendering. In trusting our deep soulful intuition that has been given to us and letting life take it's course. There is bliss in taking full responsibility for the decisions we have made and embracing them.. the hardship and the joys. Yet we all know that we have to show up for life. We have to contribute. Our bodies don't move without our willing them to do so. We take breathes because we decide to allow them to be inhaled and exhaled. We know that a roof over our heads and food on our table don't come by sheer intention alone. There is a joint partnership that happens on this trek of life. I would suffice to say that life itself on this earth...each day comes along whether we want to show up or not. Time comes and goes whether we participate or not to use it's constant ticking in our lives. This is some evidence that things do have its course. We just need to know where we fit in. Let us all find some symbiance in these concepts being in control or not in control. I think that when we do, we will find that our minds will be a much quieter space in which we could manifest outwardly a place of Peace and Joyful surrender in our lives.

with soul,

Artistic Soul

Self Love vs Self Martyrdom

They say you are what you eat. I also know you are what you think. You are what you see and choose to see. If you don't choose to define who you are then everything around you will define you whether you would like to think so or not. Self love.. a topic that every book guru speaks on under the alternate title of self help books, but how many of us are truly helping ourselves? It's a question I have had to ask myself recently.

I have been one of the many that have invested dollars with book shelves of other people's suggestions of how to love myself. It's not an air of sarcasm I speak as I respect there are those out there with wisdom they want to share that perhaps can give us all a breadcrumb of a clue on how to get to a place where we can be truly happy. Some people read and apply and there is an amazing change, alot of hard work and voila-- success. So then what about those of us that don't seem to come to it so easily? Hold on wait.. better yet those that seem to have gotten it easy we may wanna look at their lives again... we might just see that the grass is not always greener on the other side. They are still working. There are those never ending lessons and those that revisit us when we think that we have conquered them. Do we dare to think that the same people that write these books we so often use as our road map to navigate life like a letter of the law don't struggle in themselves? How is it then that they have come up with so much material to write for you to read? They have been there themselves and one would ask themselves how did they come to a place to find some resolution of self love? They obviously had to find it somewhere. If I could guess I would say it was within themselves. We have become a society of quick fixes and spoon fed ideologies in which rarely these days do we have to think for ourselves. The intention of many of the writers I would want to so graciously say, pour their thoughts and energy onto pages hoping that you would truly help your self, which means THINK yourself and their book is but a guideline not meant for mindless regurgitation and temporary life application. Quick fixes don't change the fact that it is a tireless endless work to work on self. A dirty grimmy deep work that many of us don't want to get our hands soiled for but yet, what is the true point here to realize? What we are looking for is within ourselves....

No one has the capability to make us love ourselves more than we can. So the question is how is it that we choose martyrdom at the demising expense of ourselves over living a life of sacrifice that is invested in loving ourselves? Now let me clarify.. loving yourself is not to be confused with selfishness, narcissism or even arrogance. Loving self is knowing self worth and being able to make the necessary sacrifice of saying no to a relationship that is not serving you, setting up boundaries to not being taken advantage of, to walk away when you want to stay most, to try to fix someone that does not want to be fixed or to be a Savior to someone in which you can not walk on water yourself. We so often have a fear of being alone and being unloved and out fear creates desperation. This desperation straps a fluorescent vest and glowing batons that make you a landing strip that says "land here". Over and over again we guide people into our lives that should have never landed but kept it moving. We want to justify that it's a natural progression of lessons that were "supposed" to happen. Wonder if they were not? Do we think that we choose lessons or they choose us? It's like the question of what comes first, the chicken or the egg? No we can't always predict situations that come across our paths but we DO have choices on how they will play out in our lives. Nothing or no one has permission to enter our lives with out us acknowledging it, opening the door so to speak. We are always making decisions and one of those is will we look back and say " that was a lesson or this is a lesson". Do we ever think about when we most often call something a lesson in our lives? I tend to notice it's after we have not made perhaps the best decisions or exeperience regrettable outcomes of something that did not work out the way we so desired but we were a contributing factor to it. Don't think that many times you can't find YOU in the equation with your hand caught in the cookie jar. When are you gonna get tired of saying .. " that was a lesson learned"?

This has been a personal struggle for me as I find myself a walking example of someone that is discovering she needs to love self. You can love yourself to death over loving other people beyond what you can give and should give. You keep realizing that you grow more weary realizing that if you allow it, people will take, life will take from you and if you lack self love where is your replenishing reserve? Why are you giving away what you won't give yourself first. We want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and what about giving ourselves that? We don't understand the taking, but of what value does another see in taking from you if you don't give yourself any worth? It also becomes of no value to them in which maybe not maliciously, is mishandled without care. I am starting to see that how I love myself is how another will love me. It's a sobering estimate of myself that is hard to look at. I have become a personal martyr and in some twisted way find solace in the self sacrifice. Somehow it equates for me a back door means to find love and acceptance. I say backdoor because I haven't decided that love and acceptance coming through the front door is what I deserve. It's being face to face saying what I need and want and deserve, not because I had to "earn it" from anyone but they gave it to me willingly. It's honoring the truth in oneself to not manipulate through this self martyrdom, but to trust that you are more than enough. There is true wisdom within ourselves to have the discernment to create our own personal loving reality in us and our lives. We are beholden to nothing and freed to embrace everything we desire good in our lives. Yet, this is the greatest challenge many of us face.

It takes time to sit with oneself and be honest, yet it must be done. It takes focus to look into our own person and not at the other person. We can't keep running to the next fix without fixing ourselves. We don't want to keep coming back asking ourselves "why is this still happening"? or "why am I dating the same type of people" ? We don't want to keep saying that something was a lesson learned because we made unwise choices that got us there in the first place. It's time to stop perpetuating our old patterns and manifesting self sabotaging situations. As said many times no one can love you better than you. Sacrifice to let go of the world long enough to grab a hold of YOU and the love you deserve.


With soul,

Artistic soul

Our Relationship To Men: The Dominating Influence?

One day after a few conversations surfaced about a couple different topics, there seemed to be this running theme and continuous thread in them.... MEN. As much as we want to at times be independent of them and find ourselves as women, we seem to find them integrated and rooted in the fabric of our subconscious. I find certain things in our lives are molded and fashioned after them or in reaction to them. Some many not agree with my views or perspectives on this, but in the simplicity of my mind's eye, it makes sense to me or at least worth bringing to the table of discussion.

I will take a few examples that I feel my discussion can lean on to carry some weight. Female Emcees, Pro choice/sexuality and the Gay and Lesbian Lifestyle. I will take them one by one. Won't go into length about them but touch on them just enough to give some food for thought. The first are Female Emcees.

Let's speak on Niki Minaj. Perhaps she's a worn out topic of discussion these days. She's both well loved or well hated on. She is known as our "black barbie" Recently, some beef arose with her and Little Kim and there are constant rumors of the distaste other female Emcees may have in their mouths about her. Definitely, there is the debate of her abilities and content in her lyrics and I am sure we can say her image is highly critcized. Full figured, crazy comparable style now being called the Lady Gaga of Rap, Bright lipstick and eye lashes for days. She's bubble gum cute and sassy. Yet what came to my mind when these feuds came up and looking over other female Emcees and what seemed to come out of everyone's mouth was.. "it's hard to be in this game as a WOMAN" as to compared to who I had to ask? hmmm... OHHHH as compared to a MAN. Ah I get it. I started to think. So are we comparing the content of lyrical genius and talent in relation to how it compares to a man? When did men become the standard for Rap? Bigger question is why can't there be a discussion about the world of female Emcees without there being this comparison? is there no success of a female emcee if it's not acknowledged by a man? I started to even recognize that other female Emcees would be hard on another not necessarily cuz of just lyrical content but how the content seemed to emulate the perhaps roughness and rawness of a man's. If it wasn't along that lines.. it didn't seem to carry weight. I started to think about alot of our admired ladies and I had to ask.. hmm is it necessary for her to feel she has to grab her crotch, show her goods like she trying to say she a woman, but then deliver lyrics with vulgarity. One may debate and say. "well hell men do it, why can't I!" And there in itself proves my point. What do we have to do with them when it comes to our validity in any arena of life. The world I know, makes it hard, but is it safe to say while we all try to praise woman's rights, feminism and individuality men are to us as darkness is to light. You can't have one without the other. It's all relative to.

Pro choice. Someone posted a amazing spoken word piece on this topic. One of the amazing hard hitting points made in this piece was how a man seemed to be the one delivering the verdict of what a woman is to do with her body when it came to child bearing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOV7RyHjl5c (the video link) Once again the debate and battle has arisen not out of the solo mouths of women who do not believe in choice but seems to be sparked through an undercurrent of protest from men. Women have had to allow their rights to be lobbied on capitol hill in response and rebuttle to a male dominated government. You ask.. how did this debate arise? You wonder as you listen to this spoken word piece who is this REALLY protecting? Where are the men in the responsibility of this picture? Why is it that WE as women must have rights taken so that some MEN can irresponsibly deny their part in conceiving? Again.. we are always having to respond as women as a "reaction" to the role and presence of a MAN. Our sexuality is always up for scrutinty and debate. A while back I posted the double standard of Ciara's "Ride' video being banned off of BET while Trey Songz could practically have sex in his video and he be praised. While I praised Ciara for having the guts to put it down like a "MAN" would, I have to ask myself even now.. why does she even have to make a video as such to prove a point? Or make the song " Like a boy" and the list can go on of women making these response songs as comebacks to a man.

Lastly, the Lesbian and Gay Culture. Primary focus, lesbian women and some of the manifestations of their characteristics being "male" in nature. This point has been debated upon with me as I am not as knowledgable in the lifestyle. I have been more and more exposed as my
diversity of friends have included this culture and lifestyle. So for me as a heterosexual woman, I see things with an eye of simplicity when I observe Lesbian women. There is this undeniable presence of masculinity that is expressed in a good population of Lesbian women. In my mind's eye I have had to ask, if some women chose to live a life in which they only like women, why are there so many that seem to portray the characteristics both outwardly and inwardly that are male? In genetics and in ourselves we are both male and female in energy. Ying and Yang. There is a possibility that we may express more masculine traits. Very understandable. For me I simply still say.. it's fine if your preference is a woman, but why is there this need to dress, act and emulate a man? I think there is more that makes a man other than the way he dresses or his mannerisms. I personally can feel as if I can have strong masculine inclinations in areas but I don't feel I have to dress or act as a man. So there poses the thought of why is there such this catergory that seems to arise in distinction of a very masculine woman and a feminine woman? Or even roles then seem to surface. Fact of the matter we are influenced by a very gender role set society. We all seem to fall in a catergory whether we like it or not. I feel that there many lesbian women that consciously choose to express themselves by choosing to dress and act as a male. Why are we so infatuated and fascinated in making their traits an option? Again we seem to "react" to the influence around us of the male presence. Even when there is this seperation of preference that a woman wants to be with a woman, somehow a MAN plays a very strong role.

So in the end this closes my thoughts that a reoccuring word I have brought up in this blog is "react or reaction" As well as viewing the role of Men in regards to us is as light is to dark. Women find it very challening to create a dialogue of debate, viewpoint, accomplishment and list can go on without the "reaction" to the influencing part of the MAN. It can be a cry for a cause in "spite" or "despite" of a MAN. Yet where do we stand alone as WOMEN? These are just random interesting thoughts that crossed my mind one day and perhaps they have crossed yours or maybe not about our relationship to men.

With Soul,

Artistic Soul

The New year: Entering Self and Leaving Behind Self

Apologies as I often take a long leave from blogging. I would say not by choice but that would not be truth as I can or can not blog. Perhaps this will be the new lesson of the year for me. We sometimes resist the feeling of "having to do anything" especially artistic expression of some sort. We feel that should flow freely from us. Some of us "work a job" everyday even if our dream job, so we hate to make this free expression a job so to speak. For me my mind thinks so much that I work myself into a frenzy thinking that I must set aside this indulged amount of time to write.. that I need time to somehow be consumed and lost in that. We are often such a slave to time. How often do we sit to embrace time and let it move slowly for us though the clock may move consistently as it often does minute by minute. We can't get that time back, so may we not have regrets of these minutes becoming days till we step upon a new year... 2011.

I am sure everyone has found inspiration to write their thoughts, reflect on 2010, make resolutions, make promises of change and look into the next year with longing eyes of hope. This year I had quite the solemn calm entrance into the new year. I almost felt like something was wrong. While people seemed to search for deep revelations and reflections and would pose the questions of " how was 2010 for you?" I really had to pause and think. There was the question of looking back and recognizing any pivotal changes or events that occurred that may have made a significant impact in my life. Did there have to be this evidence? Is it that there are these things that should occur in our lives and in grandiose fashions in our lives to make us compare and reflect? Did I just miss it? I felt I had to dig for answers. Was I just not paying close enough attention to the occurrences in my life? Perhaps they didn't rate on a scale of importance on my radar. We all have things in our lives that if we were to write them down and pass them around to the next person and rate them in order of importance, they'd all come out different. Perhaps this how I felt.

My greatest point to make and "reflect" upon is that EVERYDAY, is a "new" occurrence. The entrance into a new year is another day marked on the calendar. Although, astrologically change is always taking place in the our universe that shift our energies and usher in new waves of transitions, "new" is upon us everyday. How many resolutions have we made that we simply have not kept, promises broken, goals not met, opened eyes of new found revelation that closed over time as we wear down with the challenges of spiritual/life wear and tear. My blog is not a downer into the new year, but I hope for myself and readers a call to reassess how we celebrate the new year. We find the statement outfits and knock back the concoctions to numb us up more and find some cheer. We laugh and smile and romp around looking for a reason to start over again clueless to a reality before oneself. Many of us rush into the new year asking or begging deep down for a forgiveness of ourselves, a do-over pass, a removing of a mask only to find another waiting beneath. Did it ever occur to us that we come to this point every year hoping we can leave the last one behind? Though some of us actually can acknowledge and celebrate the past year with appreciation and clarity.. through the good and bad. So many of us wait for this new year as if a clock re starter, but wonder if we were conscious of our days everyday that there was no need to be in the same position the next year? Did we ever think about maintenance.. self maintenance throughout our whole journey of the year? Taking the time to continuously reflect and grow. To be confident in making more clear directed decisions that would impact our lives in a forward motion. We will always have self work, but wouldn't it be nice to make that load lighter as to not burden the new year with expectations. Hmmmm.. my doesn't that even cross the topic of personal intimate relationships? Self work, lessening loads, no expectations.. So interesting how certain life lessons and principles permeate all areas important in our lives: jobs, love, family, career and self.

In case you are missing my thoughts. It would be the challenge this year to not wait till the end of the year, ushering in the next with such climatic expectations and disposed of past experiences. Change, decisions, perspectives, reflections, lessons, growth and the list can go on can be an everyday happening. The first day of the year is not magical in the reality realm. You will wake up with a "new" day, roll out of bed, brush your teeth, breakfast and whatever your daily routine you created. Money will not suddenly perhaps appear in your bank account, an amazing partner you so longed for will not just manifest next to you and you may not pop up in the lush island paradise you so dream of, but it's another day. What is magical about it is the new day of making an everyday dull choice to us a stepping stone to greatness. Greatness as defined by us and whatever that may be. It's all about perspective. What in simplicity can create grandeur in your world. What will make you feel good? make you evolve in your mind and soul? Try not to place weighted expectations on yourself that you will punish yourself later for not meeting. Baby steps of faith in the direction of our decisions and lives can become leaps and bounds. We have to celebrate in the "initiation" process. We have to be resolved in the "intention" process and then from there.. it's truly not in our control. There's nothing wrong with looking back on the past year to reflect, but let it be a productive look back. Let the journey not feel like there was such great chasms along the way, but let there be progression. For some reason a farmer popped in my head and I am a city girl by heart, but I tried to place myself in their minds. Many farmers or anyone that toils on land are some of the most grateful people. This is my opinion. They have to labor their hands in the soil and their sweat waters their crops. Yet they do it out of both necessity and love. Necessity to survive and love for life and living. Every decision they make creates an impact on their crops. Every seed they plant is hope for the future result of the crop. They have to water, care and maintain daily as even every crop is different. They have no control over the climate and conditions that will lay over their land. They have no promise of the end results. Yet they have to wake up every morning and labor, many times before we can even fathom opening our eyes. There are no breaks and though the labor tedious there is a love and bond to their land. For in the end there is nothing like the HARVEST. They truly can look back and know that they labored throughout without fail letting their mistakes mingle with successes but it all came to an end result. Sometimes there are failed harvest and others not, but I can be sure that there still can be a resolve that they toiled from their soul everyday. Everyday was a truth labor of love. It's not just the physical manifestation but the spiritual lesson in this all.

Keeping grounded is the challenge to labor in love everyday with self. Create a new you everyday since no day is truly the same. My New years was as it wanted to be and how I simply felt. I trusted that things played out as they should. There was no desire to evoke or push what was not there. My year had it's ups and downs with lessons piggybacking along the way. There were memorable times and times I look back and want to forget. You can choose to bring in this new year and first day however you feel. I have chosen to challenge myself to acknowledge my feelings during this time and embrace why I feel as I do. Let it guide me into thinking about exactly all I have stated in this blog. To make no expectations on the new year, no promises, no goals too far to reach. Yet to have hope to look forward to the next day. We often have the habit of wanting to look "ahead" we have trouble looking into the NOW which in the end makes up the future we so want to know about. Funny thing is then we are surprised by the end results of the future. That's humorous. Tomorrow is not promised why not live today. The creator and universe are so full of surprises. We can make plans and we are allowed to.. some of them come to fruition and like many of us come to see our plans sometimes get changed. Lessons come we didn't expect and growth comes in the oddities of time. Let's just be open. Don't be afraid to accept where we are in life, in our thoughts and feelings. When we create acceptance then the very things we are striving for are the things we can work through and forward with. In the end instead of the END to the start of BEGINNING.. there is simply a HARVEST. Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!

with soul,

Artistic Soul